A Million Pieces
by Loveandcoffeeandsimplicities
Summary: Remember me as you wish, though I hope it's fondly. Snowbarry. I do not own the Flash.
1. Prologue

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE YET TO WATCH THE SEASON FINALE. THAT'S ALL. THIS IS GOING TO BE AN AU VERISION OF THE SEASON FINALE. NOW THAT'S ALL.**

Iris was dead and Caitlin was to blame. Or, more appropriately put, Killer Frost. Yes, while she hadn't actually been the one to push the blade through Iris's heart, she had known of Savitar's plan and done nothing to derail him. She was just as guilty of plunging the blade through her heart, if not more so. Saving Cisco's life did nothing to ease her guilt over the situation but she couldn't very well go and apologize to Barry, not when he had just lost the woman he was supposed to marry.

She watched on as the others bid farewell to the journalist one last time, knowing that her presence would be unwanted. Now with Savitar gone, she had no one. She didn't take the serum Cisco offered her, too disgusted with herself to return back to her previous life. How could she knowing what type of monster she had become? Sighing, she waited until she watched the last of the funeral procession walk away before taking a chance and walking up to the tombstone.

She stared down at the name 'Iris West' and death never seemed more final to her than it did in that moment. Willing herself to keep her composure, she took a steadying breath before speaking.

"I just wanted to say, he loved you. You meant everything to him, even I saw that. I know that you never got your happy ending with him and he'll never move on and for that I'm truly sorry. I know that I left the team when you guys needed me most. I also know that I'll never be going back. Too much anger there; too much hurt," she breathed out as she closed her eyes. She knew Barry could never forgive her for her helping hand in her death, how could he? She couldn't forgive herself.

She looked down at the tombstone for a moment before kissing her fingers and laying them gently upon it.

"Rest well, Iris," she whispered before turning around and walking off.

She didn't know what was supposed to come next, didn't know who she was supposed to become without Savitar but she thought it might be better this way. A clean slate. A chance to become someone new. Never quite forgetting who she was before all of this, before all the pain and trauma she and the team had endured, but she'd get a chance to rebuild her life. At her own pace.

Three months later found Caitlin staring out of her apartment window. She hadn't heard from anyone from Team Flash though it wasn't for a lack of trying on Cisco's part. First it was the endless phone calls, then he eventually came round to her place and hammered on her door every day. She still refused to see him. The pain she felt inside was too real, too fresh and she felt like she didn't deserve his forgiveness.

The same went for Julian. He tried to call her multiple times throughout the days but his calls went unanswered, too. She just couldn't give them what they wanted; what they needed.

She wasn't sleeping, went days without it as she became consumed by her guilt. She got a prescription for pills to help her sleep but she didn't take them, thinking she didn't deserve the relief that came from sweet slumber.

She also wasn't using her powers, having finally learned how to control them. She never wanted to play in another person's death again, no matter how small the role. She was just existing at this point.

And it was better that way, for everyone. No one needed to get hurt because of her again. She had done enough.

 **Author's note again:** So just a little prologue to what I have in mind for this story. Check back if you feel so inclined. Thanks!


	2. Surviving guilt

"Caitlin Snow, if you do not answer this door right now, I'll break it down!" Cisco's voice echoed around her empty apartment and for a moment she was truly surprised. Yes, Cisco had come round every day, banging on her door but this was the first time that he had actually threatened to do something about it if she didn't answer. Wondering if he would possibly just get the hint, Caitlin hesitated on the other side of the door, waiting to see what would happen.

"I mean it Caitlin, answer the damn door!" His tone was laced with annoyance, that much was clear and Caitlin's hand flew to the doorknob, hovering over it. She waited a beat before sighing. She knew this was inevitable, that he would eventually get his way. Biting her lip, she eased the door open.

"About tim-Caitlin, you look terrible," Cisco stated once he got a proper look at her.

She rolled her eyes and opened the door wider.

"Thanks, Cisco," she muttered as he walked in, taking a look around her apartment. Despite the bags underneath her eyes, there was nothing else that gave way to the fact that she was having a hard time right now. Her apartment was still pristine, everything in its proper place. He looked back at her and sighed.

"I'd ask you how you're doing but I don't think I want to know," he said softly.

"It's not me you should be worried about," she said pointedly and Cisco was the one to roll his eyes this time.

"Cait, you're my best friend. Of course I'm going to worry about you," he replied.

"Cisco, we haven't been best friends for a long time," she stated with a humorless laugh and Cisco shook his head.

"If you think that you getting powers that are out of your control somehow means that you're not my best friend anymore then I'm seriously disappointed in you," he said fiercely and Caitlin felt her heart thump harshly inside her chest.

Cisco still seemed to want be her friend despite all the heartache she caused. He had made it adamantly clear that he wasn't giving up on her, even though she helped to hold him hostage and tried to get him to make a gun that would cause Savitar to splice himself across multiple universes.

Caitlin shook her head. "It's not that simple Cisco."

"It _is_ that simple, Caitlin," he argued and she sighed. She forgot how stubborn he could be.

"You've had three months to deal with this, please come back to team Flash," he said quietly.

"Barry wouldn't want me there," she dismissed and it was Cisco's turn to sigh.

"Yes, he is still completely heartbroken but he misses you, too. He doesn't blame you for anything that happened," he promised.

"It's my fault," Caitlin whispered.

"No, it's not," Cisco reinforced, "its Savitar's. You had no control over yourself or what that monster made you do,' he added.

Caitlin shook her head. "I was in complete control of the decisions I was making, Cisco."

"No, your powers were in complete control," he argued and damn, Caitlin wasn't able to cope with this.

"Just, think about it alright? The team needs you now more than ever. I need you," he added as an afterthought and Caitlin nearly smiled. Nearly. There was still too much pain coursing through her body and heart. Each breath she took was like an icy knife being stabbed through her chest. How she wished she was the one who had died so she didn't have to live with this remorse.

She hesitated as she continued to mull things over before settling on a decision.

"I-I'll think about it but that's all I can promise you for now," she said softly and Cisco nodded his head in understanding.

"Good enough for me, Cait," he replied and smiled at her. She returned his smile hesitantly and some of the pain she felt clenching around her heart loosened slightly for the first time.

"Now, be honest: how much sleep have you gotten over the past three months?" Cisco asked quietly.

Caitlin shrugged one shoulder. "I'm surviving."

"That didn't answer my question, Caitlin," Cisco said sternly.

"Cisco, don't worry about me, okay?" She pleaded.

"I'll always worry about you, Cait. You're my best friend. Always have been, always will be. We're a team," he replied and Caitlin felt her heart squeeze painfully at that admission. What had she done to deserve someone like Cisco Ramon in her life? She had done nothing but give him a headache over the course of the last year.

Changing the topic, she looked at Cisco. "How's Barry?"

"Better now that he's back," he confirmed and Caitlin furrowed her brow.

"Back from where?" She asked, unsure of where he would have gone after Iris's death.

"He was in the speed force. Something about it being upset since Savitar died and Jay left," he responded and Caitlin knew better than to ask. If she had been present in their lives, she would have known regardless. Sighing, she nodded her head.

"Well, I'm glad he's back," she murmured and she was. He didn't deserve to be in any more pain than he already is, something which she was responsible for. She couldn't stop punishing herself for Iris's death, something Cisco seemed to pick up on from her facial expression alone.

"I mean it, Cait it's not your fault," he squeezed her shoulder comfortingly.

"How'd you know what I was thinking?" She whispered and Cisco laughed.

"We've been best friends since the day I joined Star Labs; I know you better than you know yourself," he said quietly and wasn't that the truth.

"You have to stop punishing yourself, Caitlin. It's not healthy," he added and Caitlin sighed. If it was only that easy, she'd have done it a long time ago.

"I just feel so, so guilty," she muttered.

"You don't need to. Like I said, it was Savitar who was controlling you. He and he alone is the only one responsible for this and he's dead. Please, _please_ forgive yourself and come back to us. We really miss you. I really miss you," he murmured and she nodded her head.

"I'll think about it, but that's all I can give you right now," she stated and he smiled.

"Good enough for me, Ms. Snow," he said quietly. He hesitated before brushing his lips across her forehead and she closed her eyes upon contact.

"Please get some sleep, too, okay?" He requested gently.

She knew that she wouldn't, that it would be impossible but she nodded her head regardless.

"I'll try," she confirmed.

He stayed a few moments longer before leaving her alone to her thoughts and guilt.

Despite how bad she still felt, Cisco's visit did alleviate some of the stress and tension she had been feeling every day since Iris's death and for that she was grateful. She knew it was going to be a long time before she felt better though; she didn't expect miracles.


	3. Good or Bad

3:30 AM and Caitlin was wide awake. She hadn't slept in a solid forty eight hours. 'And counting' she thought dryly to herself as she stared at her ceiling, watching her fan move in a circular rotation. It had been two days since Cisco had come to her, asking her to join team Flash again. She almost snorted disbelievingly at the idea that they could be a functioning family again. Too much blood had been shed.

'Because of you' the sly voice whispered in her ear and she felt her stomach clench at the thought. It was true; Iris was dead because of her and no matter how many tears she shed, she was never coming back. The sooner she accepted that, the sooner she'd be able to move forward with her life. But, something still held her back. She wanted to believe that Iris would come waltzing back into their lives as suddenly as she had waltzed out. Call it foolishness, but Caitlin still wished for that when the city was still and everyone was breathing as one during these early hours.

Sighing, and knowing sleep was a lost cause, she swung her legs out of her bed and stood up. Glancing around her room for one more moment, she shrugged on her robe and headed out into the kitchen. She started a pot of coffee, knowing that come ten or so she was going to need the extra energy. After it was brewing, she made her way to her balcony and stared out on the still sleeping city. There were a few cars that drove by at this early hour but the city was mainly enveloped in silence. The way she liked it.

She made her way back towards her kitchen and grabbed her coffee. She didn't like dawdling in one place for too long; it made memories come back. Of Killer Frost. Of holding Iris and Cisco hostage. Of Savitar, the man she thought was going to help her. She hadn't told anyone this but that man scared the daylights out of her. With his temper and ability to spin lies as fast as he could, she wasn't sure if part of her stayed with him because she felt like she had no other choice. Then again, that may have just been wishful thinking on her part, something inside her trying to convince herself that she hadn't turned into a monster, too. She knew better than to believe that, though. She was as scary as they came.

Eventually, she found it a suitable enough time to get ready to go to Star Labs. Cisco's words had resonated something inside her and she was willing to see the team, if only for a minute. After getting ready, she glanced around her apartment, which had become her sanctuary over the past few months, before locking up and leaving.

Once she made it to Star Labs, she hesitated outside of the door. So many memories came flooding back to her that she was left light headed. This was the place it all began and she had the feeling it was going to be the place where it would all end as well. Not knowing if that thought was an ominous sign or not, she took a deep breath, willing herself to stay strong. Before she could walk in, she heard a voice call out to her.

"You know, the building's not going to burn if you walk in there." Caitlin turned her head to the voice and bit her lip.

"Hello, Julian," she said softly. Julian stared at her for a moment, drinking in everything about her. It wasn't as if she had forgotten her feelings towards the man, it was more they just didn't exist anymore. They belonged to a girl from a different life.

"Hello, Caitlin," he murmured and she wasn't surprised to find her heart didn't race at the sound of his voice like it once did. So many things had changed between them, she wasn't sure what to consider them. Friends? Acquaintances? It didn't really matter; she wasn't planning on sticking around long enough to find out.

She looked at him out of the corner of her eye and saw him fidgeting uncomfortably and nearly laughed.

Here she was, the monster responsible for the Flash's better half being dead and _he_ was uncomfortable? Ironic.

"Well, don't let me keep you," she said and nodded her head towards the door, indicating he should go into the labs. He nodded his head and made his way in. Caitlin spent about another thirty seconds outside, torn, before she too followed in after him.

Once she made it to the Cortex, she paused outside. She wasn't sure what was going to happen when she got in there. She could be killed on the spot and she wouldn't deserve anything less. Sighing, she made her way in and spotted Cisco standing off to the side.

He looked up at her arrival and smiled.

"Hey, Cait," he said softly and she dipped her head in his direction. She let her eyes flick around, taking in everything. Harrison Wells from Earth two was standing in the corner, Wally next to him, with Joe bringing up the back. Of course the father and son would want to be as close to each other as possible and she didn't blame them. Not after Iris. Moving on from them, she noticed Barry standing off to the left of them, completely lost in thought and she took the moment to study him. Apart from the distraught look in his eyes, his clothes were crumpled, his hair a mess, and bags circled his eyes.

However, he did look up when Cisco called out to her. They all did. Feeling extremely nervous, she dropped her eyes and stared at the computer monitor in front of her.

"Good Caitlin or bad Caitlin?" Joe's voice was subdued and Caitlin found herself missing the warmth he usually radiated. She blinked and looked up.

"Just…Caitlin," she replied. He stared at her for a moment before nodding his head and dropping the subject.

"Well, 'just Caitlin', what the hell are you doing here?" Wally demanded and Caitlin was surprised to find so much venom wrapped around the question. She looked up at him and then to Cisco before shrugging but not saying anything.

"I invited her, got a problem with that?" Cisco asked in a level voice and Caitlin wondered how this would unfold.

"Yeah, I do. You invited the woman who took part in my sister's death and you think I'm going to be okay with that?" Wally challenged and Caitlin, though expecting his words, felt like another knife had been plunged through her heart.

Cisco opened his mouth to pop out a retort but Caitlin placed her hand on his shoulder.

"Its fine Cisco, I knew this would happen," she murmured.

"Nobody asked for your input," Wally snapped and Caitlin watched as Joe placed his own hand on his son's shoulder. Wally just shrugged it off and stepped forward, clearly looking for a fight.

"That's enough." Barry's voice was firm as he walked over to them. He placed himself between Caitlin and Wally and Caitlin couldn't bring herself to look at him.

He waited for her, though, patiently.

When she finally looked up to him, she saw him staring intently at her.

"You look horrible," he stated and Caitlin snorted.

"Have you looked in a mirror lately?" She deadpanned and for a moment it looked like a smile had flickered across his face but the next moment he was looking as solemn as ever and she was sure she had imagined it.

"Good Caitlin or bad Caitlin?" He whispered and she felt her heart clench, knowing just how much it pained him to ask that question. They were close friends once and what happened to her nearly destroyed them both. She wasn't sure they were ever going to find their friendship again.

Shrugging, she replied "Just Caitlin."

Staring at her for a long moment more, he nodded his head.

"She stays." And the conversation was left at that.

 **Author's note** : Hope you enjoy!


	4. Demons

After the first initial reactions, things smoothed over for the rest of her visit at Star Labs. Caitlin stuck to Cisco like glue, following him everywhere he went. She was too afraid to stay in the lab alone with anyone else, not sure how they would take to just her presence.

Cisco, bless him, didn't mind. He let her follow him wherever he went without question and gave her encouraging smiles whenever she seemed to be lost in thought.

"How're you holding up?" He asked her softly as they found some time to themselves and she shrugged.

'No one's tried to kill me yet," she laughed.

Cisco frowned. "Caitlin, no one is mad at you."

She raised an eyebrow.

"Alright, no one besides Wally and he's just dealing with Iris's death in his own way," he clarified with a sheepish shrug and Caitlin nodded.

"I know, and I get that," she replied softly. She did. The guy had lost his sister and the one person who could've done something about it came strolling back into his life when he very well would've been fine with never seeing her again. She didn't blame him for his reaction in the slightest.

"It's not just him, Cisco. It's weird being back here after all this time," she muttered, not sure if she'd be able to explain how she was feeling.

"But you're staying, right?' Barry asked and Caitlin nearly jumped out of her skin. She had been too absorbed in her conversation with Cisco, she hadn't noticed Barry walk up to them.

Turning slightly, she looked at him and shrugged.

"I'm not sure what my plan exactly is at the moment," she said and watched as Barry sighed.

"You belong here Cait, with your family," he replied.

Caitlin stared at him for a moment before looking to Cisco who nodded his head. She wasn't sure if that's what was best, though. After all, Iris was dead because of her and Wally was the only one who seemed to realize that. As if knowing where her thoughts were leading her, Barry spoke up.

"Don't worry about Wally, I'll talk to him," he said softly and Caitlin shook her head.

"You don't need to do that," she murmured. She wasn't sure why Barry was even talking to her; if she were in his shoes, she'd want nothing to do with herself.

Changing the topic, Barry spoke up again.

"When's the last time you slept, Caiit?"

"When's the last time _you_ slept, Barry?" She retaliated.

"That's not important," he dismissed and Caitlin rolled her eyes.

"Neither is my sleep schedule," she stated and Cisco, sensing both of their frustrations growing, stepped in.

"Well, all sleep is important and you both look like you could use some," he clarified.

Caitlin shrugged her shoulders but didn't comment, not wanting to get into an altercation with Barry at the moment. When she was his doctor, she had spent many nights getting frustrated over his blatant disregard for his health. Now that she didn't have that job title anymore, she couldn't bring herself to work up the energy.

Barry looked at Caitlin for a moment before turning to Cisco.

"Can you give us a minute?" He asked and Cisco looked at her. She just nodded.

He left them with a curious glance over the back of his shoulder. Once he was out of the room, Caitlin let her eyes flick around, never staying on one thing too long.

"Can you look at me?" Barry requested quietly.

Sighing, she did.

"What?" She asked softly, not knowing what he wanted to talk about.

"You know I'm not mad at you right?" He questioned and Caitlin stared at him.

"Why?" She asked, refusing to let her emotions get the better of her.

"Because what happened is not your fault," he stated.

"Yes it is."

She watched as Barry's eyes went round with disbelief and would've laughed if the moment wasn't so serious.

"No, it's not, Cait. It-" Caitlin cut him off as she held up a hand.

"Look, Barry, it's sweet that you want to convince me that Iris being killed isn't my fault but you know better than to lie to me. I'm dealing with it, alright?" She said. Inhaling shakily, she continued.

"I really think I'm the last person you need to be talking to," she said and Barry just looked at her.

Shrugging her shoulders, she carried on, "You just lost Iris, I spent the last year lying to you, and we don't trust each other anymore."

Barry shook his head firmly.

"I trust you, Caitlin."

Caitlin laughed humorlessly. "Your ability to see the good in everyone is what got you here in the first place."

"I'm not following," he frowned and Caitlin sighed.

"Doesn't matter. I shouldn't have come here. Tell Cisco I'll see him around." She said before fleeing the room. She half expected Barry to race after her but was glad that he didn't. She needed some air and to clear her head.

Turning the corner, she bumped into Julian.

"Whoa," he stilled her before she could stumble and she blinked up at him tiredly.

"Sorry, wasn't paying attention," she muttered before removing her arm from his grasp and letting it hang back at her side. She looked at Julian for a moment, wishing that she could feel what she used to. Wishing she could feel anything besides her all-consuming guilt. She felt nothing.

"Where you headed?" Julian asked and Caitlin jerked her head to the entrance of the Cortex.

"I've had enough of strolling down memory lane for one day. I'm leaving," she replied before walking away. She ignored his protests and made it outside before the guilt overtook her.

Running as fast as she could down the street, she made it to the end before throwing up. Barry's forgiveness played over in her head repeatedly as she continued to be sick and she grew angry. She didn't _deserve_ his forgiveness; she didn't deserve anyone's. Once she was finished being sick, she wiped the back of her hand across her mouth aggressively before straightening up. She still had anger coursing through her and wanted so badly to yell at someone. She did the next best thing. She punched the building beside her. She felt the satisfying crunch of one of her knuckles breaking and smiled slightly.

The pain helped ground her and cleared her head. She looked down at the bruise that was already forming and sighed. She wasn't sure what she thought would happen by coming here but she knew she couldn't come back. She wasn't a part of their lives anymore. She needed to accept that.

 **Author's note:** It's not going to be this angsty the whole time, I promise!


	5. Penance

After Caitlin made it home, she turned on her pot of coffee and started brewing herself another cup. She knew she needed to sleep but she just couldn't. She was too afraid of what she might dream if she slept. Sighing, she also grabbed some ice to put on her rapidly swelling knuckle, hoping it'd ease some of the pain. Not that she was complaining. It wasn't long before her coffee was ready and, after grabbing a cup, she sat down on her couch and stared around her apartment. She didn't know when she had made such a mess of her life but she hoped it wouldn't always be this way. Not that she didn't deserve anything less.

After sitting in silence for a while, she was pulled out of her thoughts but the sound of someone knocking on her door. Wondering if she could possibly get away with ignoring it, the knocking became more persistent.

"I know you're in there, Caitlin. I saw your car outside," Barry called through. Dammit.

Getting up off the couch, she made a detour to her kitchen where she tossed her ice into the sink before opening her door.

"What are you doing here, Barry?" She demanded. He just stared at her before replying.

"Are you going to let me in or are we going to have this conversation with me in the hall?" He challenged and she rolled her eyes as she opened her door all the way. He made his way in, eyes roaming around her clean apartment. It had been a long time since he'd been her apartment, not since the night at the bar. Caitlin felt as if that night belonged to another life, for another person.

"What are you doing here, Barry?" She asked as she sat herself down on her couch again. She watched as he followed suit.

"I came to talk some sense into you," he verified and she resisted the temptation to roll her eyes.

"Seriously Cait, you belong at Star Labs, with us," he grabbed her hand and held it and she hissed.

"What?" He asked in concern before looking down. His eyes fell on her bruised and swollen knuckle and he looked back at her.

"What happened?" He demanded and she shrugged her shoulder.

"Nothing worth mentioning," she replied and he narrowed his eyes.

"Caitlin," he said warningly and she sighed.

"Fine. I may have punched a building," she admitted and he sighed.

"Why?" He asked harshly and she shrugged one shoulder

"I needed to feel something?" She replied uncertainly and watched as he rubbed a hand over his face.

"Cait, you can't punch _buildings_ because you need to feel something," he reprimanded her and she laughed.

"I don't really think you get to make that decision for me, Barry," she said softly.

He just looked at her for a moment before getting up and walking into her kitchen. He rummaged around for a few moments before coming back with a new ice pack. He pressed it gently to her knuckle.

"You need to take better care of yourself," he murmured and she snorted.

"I'm serious, Caitlin. You look dead on your feet, you punched a building and clearly damaged your hand, and I doubt you've had a proper meal in weeks," he scolded gently and she rolled her eyes.

"Barry, quit worrying about me when it's clear you need to be paying attention to yourself," she said and he was the one to roll his eyes.

"I'm fine," he dismissed.

"Always so stubborn," she replied and he had the decency to look ashamed of himself.

"When's the last time you slept?" She asked.

"About the night before Iris died." He whispered and Caitlin felt her heart clench. She nodded her head.

"Same," she admitted painfully and he nodded his head.

"It's not your fault, Caitlin," he said softly and she sighed.

"I thought we were passed this," she muttered and he shook his head.

"We'll only be past it when you realize it's the truth. And when you stop punching things," he murmured.

"Why did you punch the building?" He asked gently.

"Call it penance," she said.

"You don't need to punish yourself for something that was out of your control," he reminded her softly.

"You sound like Cisco," she deadpanned.

She continued, "That's the thing Barry, I _was_ in control. I was conscious of every decision I was making."

Barry shook his head firmly. "No, your powers were in control."

"You definitely sound like Cisco now," she chuckled humorlessly.

"Well, I'll continue to sound like him until you understand what I'm saying," he said gently.

She blinked back the moisture that gathered at the corner of her eyes and swallowed around the painful lump that had formed in her throat. She wasn't sure what she did to earn Barry's forgiveness but she knew she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve anything.

"Barry, I think you should go," she whispered.

"Too bad for you, I'm stubborn and not going anywhere," he replied flatly and the lump grew bigger.

"Please," she begged quietly but he just shook his head.

"No. I'm not going anywhere when it's clear you need a friend," he murmured.

"You shouldn't be worrying about me, you should be worrying about yourself," she reminded him.

"Caitlin, I've had time to accept Iris's death. Months, actually. Yes, the wound is still raw, yes it still hurts. However, that doesn't mean I'm going to leave you to deal with your pain alone," he said.

She closed her eyes. "You cannot be real, Barry Allen."

He laughed quietly. "Afraid I am."

She bit down on her lip as she mulled things over. She could continue to push everyone away like she had been doing or she could admit defeat and accept help. She wasn't sure which option was scarier but she knew she couldn't keep living like this. It was slowly destroying her.

"Alright, you win," she gave in and he smiled slightly.

"Thank you," he said quietly and she nodded.

"Now, we're going to get your hand wrapped and you're going to sleep," he muttered and she shook her head.

"I don't think I can," she admitted with a grimace.

"You're going to try," he said.

Knowing better than to argue with him or raise any more objections, she just nodded her head.

"Alright," she agreed softly. She wasn't sure how long it was going to take to make her feel better but it didn't seem like Barry was going to give up on her. That made her feel better more than she could express.


	6. Moving forward

After getting a few hours of sleep, Caitlin came walking out of her room and was surprised to see Barry still sitting on her couch.

"I thought you left," she said as she sat down next to him.

He shook his head. "Nope, I wanted to make sure you actually slept some. Three hours isn't the best but I'll take it," he replied and she smiled softly.

"Better than I've slept in the past few weeks," she confirmed.

"Caitlin," he started haltingly, "I saw the prescription for your sleeping pills."

She furrowed her brow. "You went through my stuff?"

"Not through it," he defended, "I just saw it when I grabbed the wrapping for your hand."

She looked down at her hand that was wrapped in an ace bandage before looking back at him.

"What's your point, Barry?" She asked.

"I'm just curious as to why you're not taking them. It's a full bottle," he stated and she laughed.

"I don't need them," she dismissed with a shrug and he sighed in frustration.

"Yes, you do," he objected and she rolled her eyes.

"I'm fine," she replied, hoping he'd drop it. Luckily for her, he did.

"Alright," he agreed lightly and she nodded her head gratefully.

"I hope you don't mind but I asked Cisco to meet us for a late dinner," he changed the topic and she looked at him in surprise.

"Why?" She asked, confused.

"Because you need to eat, I need to eat, we all need to eat," he responded and she laughed quietly.

"Fine. I'm not even going to argue you with you," she said and she wasn't. She wasn't even sure when the last time was that she had a decent meal and she felt her stomach grumble in response.

"Where are we going?" She asked.

"Cisco's bringing Big Belly," he grinned and Caitlin smirked

"Of course he is."

Barry rolled his eyes. "I wouldn't be me if I didn't request that."

She shook her head and laughed. "No, you wouldn't."

"When's he coming?" She asked, uncertain if she had the time to make herself look presentable.

Barry check his watch. "In about twenty minutes."

Guess not.

"You could've woken me up sooner," she muttered and he shook his head.

"You need to sleep when you actually can," he murmured and she sighed. He was right, of course he was. That was the first time she slept without seeing Savitar or Iris's grave and she wasn't sure what it meant. Was that because she was so exhausted, she just fell into a dreamless slumber? Or was it because Barry was there and she felt at peace for the first time in months? Not liking where her thoughts were leading her, she changed the subject.

"I hope you told him to bring enough food; you're not eating all the fries this time," she teased and he chuckled.

"What kind've man do you take me for, Cait? Of course I told him to bring enough," he joked and Caitlin was pleased to hear the lightness to his tone. She knew he was still hurting; knew it would be a long time before he was healed but at least he was getting to a good enough place to where he could tease her. That was a step in the right direction.

"Barry, I'm so sorry," she said quietly and he looked at her in confusion.

"Sorry for what?" He asked.

"Iris," she murmured and looked down. She fiddled with her damaged hand, too afraid to see the pain unleashed in his eyes. She closed her eyes when she felt his hand underneath her chin, tilting her head back up.

"Look at me, Cait," he ordered softly and she did, after another moment of hesitation.

"It's not your fault," he said and she shook her head.

"It's not," he reminded her firmly when it looked like she was going to argue. For once, she dropped the subject, nerves too spent to disagree with him.

"Well, I'm here if you need to talk. I know I haven't been around much-"

"At all," he interrupted her and she just shook her head exasperatedly.

"Fine, at all," she agreed. "But that doesn't mean you can't come to me if you need to talk or vent," she added with a small smile and he looked at her.

"You know that goes both ways, right? I'd much rather you come to talk to me before you go punching buildings again," he said firmly and she bit her lip, mulling over his words.

She was far from happy, far from well rested, but maybe he did have a point. Maybe she should try talking to the people who she considered friends at one point. Probably be less painful for herself if she did.

Nodding, she looked back at him. "Alright."

 **Author's note:** Just a shorter chapter for now. I've been up for a few hours and wanted to get this posted. I'll be moving the story along soon. Thanks for reading and reviewing! Hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy writing it!


	7. Agreement

A knock echoed through her apartment and Caitlin went to go answer it.

"I come bearing gifts," Cisco said as a form of greeting and she laughed.

"Big Belly isn't exactly a gift, Cisco," she replied and he look dumbfounded.

"Yes it is, it's a gift from the food heavens," he said earnestly but all she did was grant him access into her apartment.

"Barry's in the living room," she jerked her head towards the room, indicating Cisco should make himself comfortable there, too. She made her way to the kitchen and grabbed some plates for them to eat off.

Once she had everything she needed, she headed back into the living room to find Cisco dividing the food up and Barry trying to snag extra portions. Rolling her eyes, she sat down next to them and took her food wordlessly from Cisco when he handed it to her.

The three ate in silence for a little while before Cisco spoke up.

"What happened to your hand Cait?"

She looked down at it and shrugged. "Accident."

She noticed Barry looking at her from the corner of her eye and slightly shook her head, indicating that he shouldn't bring up the real reason it was wrapped.

Cisco looked at her inquisitively before dropping the matter and Caitlin breathed a sigh of relief; she didn't need Cisco on her case, too.

After a few more minutes of silence, Cisco cleared his throat.

"So, are you coming back to work?" He asked Caitlin casually and she felt her heart stop. This was definitely not the dinner conversation she wanted them to have. Sighing, she shrugged one shoulder.

"I'm not sure. I don't think I'm exactly wanted," she replied nonchalantly. Cisco knew her well enough to know how much that burned her, though, because he gave her a sympathetic smile.

"Wally will come around, Cait," he said gently.

"Are you sure about that?" Caitlin snorted disbelievingly.

"Even if he doesn't, it's your home just as much as it is his," Barry added and Caitlin shook her head.

"I don't think it works that way and in case you two hadn't noticed, I don't really have a home anymore," she murmured.

"Yes you do," Barry replied automatically, "it's with us; we're your family, Caitlin. Family looks after each other."

"When's the last time I looked after one of you?" She raised an eyebrow.

"I believe I helped hold _you_ hostage, Cisco. And Barry…" she trailed off, not knowing how to finish her sentence without it being painful for everyone.

"And what?" Barry asked quietly and she shook her head.

"I just know I hurt you," she said softly, not wanting to get stuck back on the poisonous loop she found replaying in her head day in and day out.

Barry placed his hand on her knee and squeezed it.

"You did no such thing and it's time you believed that," he stated and Caitlin found the room stifling all of a sudden.

"Don't," she said warningly but Barry didn't heed her warning.

"No, we're going to talk about the elephant in the room," he said.

"I said, don't," Caitlin snapped, trying to focus on her breathing and not the suffocating feeling the room took on.

"It's not your fault, Cait," Barry whispered as he reached out a hand to her. She drew her own into her, however, refusing to give him access. She glanced up at Cisco, who looked torn between wanting to help her and wanting to help Barry.

"The sooner you start believing that, the happier you'll be," Barry carried on and Caitlin squeezed her eyes shut tightly. If she didn't look at him, it was almost like she could block out his voice. Too bad he seemed to have other things in mind.

She stilled when she felt his hand touching her cheek.

"Look at me," he ordered softly but she kept her eyes firmly shut.

"Caitlin, look at me," he said more firmly and she exhaled shakily before opening her eyes.

"What?" She muttered.

"I really need you to hear me when I tell you, this is not your fault. This, this _guilt_ you're carrying around will destroy you. Trust me," he replied softly and Caitlin stared at him. She didn't know why he was being so kind and gentle to her but it didn't make her feel any better; It made her feel ten times worse.

"Barry, stop," she asked him quietly but he was stubborn.

"No," he replied.

She looked at Cisco beseechingly, hoping he'd help her out but he just shook his head.

"He's right, Cait. You know that, I know that, we all know that," he said softly.

Caitlin sighed.

"If I promise to not punch a building again, will you guys let me feel guilty until I decide I'm ready to forgive myself?" She compromised.

"You two rushing me to the finish line isn't going to help me get there any faster," she added and Barry sighed.

"Fine."

She smiled slightly before thanking him. They seemed to have reached an agreement and Caitlin knew it was the best she was going to get so she took it.

"Hold up. You punched a building?" Cisco growled.

Caitlin just rolled her eyes.


	8. A talk

'I must be out of my mind' Caitlin thought glumly as she stared at Star Labs. Barry and Cisco had convinced her to at least come back one more time. She stared at the building before shaking her head and walking in. She made her way to the Cortex and spotted Cisco and Barry in the corner, talking about something. She made her way over to them.

"Are you lost?" Wally's voice stopped her before she could reach them and she turned and looked at him.

"What?" She ask in confusion.

"I figured you must be lost if you're back in Star Labs," he said and Caitlin knew better than to retaliate. The guy had just lost his sister. Of course he was looking for a fight with the girl who was responsible.

"Wally, back off," Barry's voice cut through and Caitlin's head snapped to him as he made his way over.

He stopped in front of him and looked at him levelly.

"She belongs here just as much as you do," he said calmly and Wally hissed.

"How can you say that, Barry? Iris died because of _her_ ," he growled.

Barry shook his head firmly. "No, Iris died because of Savitar."

Caitlin hesitated, torn between staying and fleeing the room. Before she could make a decision, however, Barry looked at her.

"Come on, Cait," he said gently and led her over to where Cisco was. Cisco, who had been listening to the interaction intently, smiled encouragingly at her.

"Could've been a lot worse," he murmured and Caitlin nodded her head. That was true, it could've been.

She looked curiously at Cisco. "What are you guys working on?"

Cisco smiled. "Just some alterations to Barry's suit."

Caitlin looked at Barry who shrugged his shoulders.

"You know Cisco, he's constantly needing to change the suit," he replied with an eye roll.

Caitlin nodded her head with a small laugh, unsurprised that it was Cisco's idea to change the suit. The man loved that suit as if it was his own flesh and blood.

"I'm glad you came, Caitlin," Barry murmured and she looked at him. She was glad she came, too. She wasn't sure if she was ready to forgive herself but she was tired of feeling numb all the time. Punching the building had been the first step to feeling something and, while she was happy about that, Barry had been adamantly clear about the fact that that was not the way to feel things.

"Me too," she replied softly. Just then, Joe walked in, spotted Caitlin and made his way towards her.

"Barry, can I steal her from you guys for a moment?" He asked and Barry frowned but nodded regardless.

Feeling extremely nervous, Caitlin followed Joe to a more secluded spot in the Cortex and waited patiently for him to start speaking. She wasn't sure what he wanted to say to her but she needn't have to wait long.

"Look, Caitlin, I know you've been blaming yourself for Iris's death and you need to stop doing that," he started and Caitlin resisted the temptation to roll her eyes.

"You've been talking to Barry," she stated.

"And Cisco," Joe verified and Caitlin sighed.

"Joe, thanks but I really need you guys to understand that it is my fault," she replied.

Joe shook his head vehemently.

"No, it's really not," he disagreed firmly and Caitlin shut her mouth.

"It's Savitar's and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be happy," he continued and Caitlin laughed.

"You sound like Barry," she said.

"Well, he is my son after all," Joe replied.

"Why are you even talking to me, Joe?" Caitlin asked quietly, unsure as to why Joe seemed to have forgiven her. Everyone seemed to have forgiven her besides Wally, and she wasn't sure what she did to earn that.

"Caitlin, I miss my daughter every day. But this punishing yourself has got to stop," he said as he looked pointedly at her hand and Caitlin rolled her eyes. Of course, Barry had told him about that, too. She didn't have the energy to be mad at him about that, though. Barry was a good guy and probably just did it because he was concerned.

"I just feel so guilty, so awful," she muttered, blinking back tears and Joe sighed.

"You shouldn't. That monster was the one who recruited you and used you for his own gain. It's not your fault that he looked like Barry and used that to his advantage. You were alone and needed somebody you could trust; of course it would be a man who looked like one of your friends," he replied soothingly and Caitlin definitely wasn't sure what she did to deserve this man's forgiveness. The lump that had lodged itself painfully in her throat grew twice as big as she bit her lip.

"I mean it Caitlin, you need to understand that no one is mad at you," he added softly.

"Wally is," she whispered.

"Wally is being an idiot. He may be my son and I love him, but that doesn't mean I think he's acting maturely," Joe clarified and Caitlin exhaled.

"Thanks, Joe," she murmured as the lump seemed to have dissolved. She was proud of herself for holding her emotions together.

"I mean it Caitlin, no more blaming yourself. If you feel like you're going to do something stupid again, like punch a building, you come talk to me. I don't care what the time is," he said firmly.

"I promise," Caitlin murmured and Joe nodded his head.

"Good," he replied. He hesitated for a moment before engulfing her in a tight hug. Caitlin stood there, shocked, before returning the hug.

When they broke apart, she smiled softly at him and he returned the smile before sending her on her way.

Once she made it back to Barry, she looked at him and smiled slightly, feeling as if a weight had been taken off her shoulders.

He bumped his shoulder into hers' and she chuckled

"Progress," he murmured and she nodded her head.

Progress indeed.

 **Author's note:** I always felt like Joe would make a good father figure to Caitlin and just really wanted to shed some light onto that relationship. Hope you all enjoy!


	9. Field

"I think I should go onto the field with you," Caitlin stated later that day and Barry turned to look at her, surprise written all over his face.

"What?" He asked.

"I think I should go onto the field with you," Caitlin repeated and watched him carefully for his reaction.

"Why?" Barry's eyes narrowed as he looked at her completely.

"I've got my powers under control and two people fighting metas is better than one," she clarified and watched in disappointment as Barry shook his head.

"No way, Caitlin, it's too dangerous," he said firmly and Caitlin sighed.

"Barry, I'm in complete control of my powers, I wouldn't hurt you," she promised softly.

"I didn't mean dangerous for _me_ , Cait," Barry replied with an eye roll, "I meant dangerous for you."

She frowned. "I can handle myself, Barry."

"I've already seen enough people close to me die. I'm not adding another body to the list," he said harshly and Caitlin knew better than to push.

"We'll talk about this later," she said softly.

"Talk about what later?" Cisco joined the conversation.

"Caitlin wants to join the team," Barry said and Cisco looked at her.

"Are you sure?" He asked and she nodded her head.

"Why?" He continued to question her further.

"Because I think Barry could use the help," she shrugged her shoulder.

"Are you sure you're not just a glutton for punishment?" Cisco narrowed his eyes and when Caitlin was left looking confused, he continued, "I mean, you've already punched a building to feel something. Are you sure you're not just wanting to pick a fight with someone to punish yourself further?"

Caitlin rolled her eyes. "Has anyone told you you're dramatic Cisco?"

"Not today," he smiled.

"But he does raise an excellent point, Cait," Barry added and she looked at him.

"You could be just looking for a fight because you think you deserve to be punished even further," he said and Caitlin sighed.

"Guys, I just want to utilize my powers and use them for good," she confirmed.

"Still too dangerous," Barry replied flatly.

"I'm not a child, Barry," Caitlin snapped.

"I know that, but I don't let anyone out there with me besides Wally and that's because he's another speedster and can flee if need be," Barry said forcefully.

"Just think about it," Caitlin said quietly, hoping that he would.

Barry looked at her momentarily before sighing.

"Fine," he caved quietly, "but give me some time to think about it. I don't want you joining the team when you're still stuck in such a negative mindset."

Caitlin frowned. "I'm not stuck in a negative mindset."

Cisco snorted disbelievingly and she glared at him.

"Yes you are, Caitlin," he said and she rolled her eyes.

"Whatever," she muttered, knowing better than to argue. She didn't exactly sell a convincing story, not when she had punched a building a mere week ago.

She looked at Barry and smiled hesitantly.

"Thanks for at least thinking about it, Barry," she murmured.

He nodded his head. "You're welcome. But there are conditions."

"Conditions?"

"Yes, conditions. You do exactly what I say out on the field. That means if I tell you to run, you run. If I tell you to get behind me, you get behind me. It will not be a time for you to think you can do whatever you want. You listen to exactly what I say or we won't have you on the field again," he said simply.

Knowing it was the best she was going to get, she nodded her head.

"Deal."

 **Author's note:** Super short chapter today, guys! I just wanted to get the story moving along into the direction I have planned for it. Hope you enjoy!


	10. Mission

"Cait, are you sure about this?" Cisco asked her for the umpteenth time as she stood next to the entrance of the Cortex.

"Cisco, if you ask me that one more time, I am going to freeze you to your seat," she threatened and Cisco held his hands up.

"I just wanted to make sure," he said defensively.

" _Yes, I'm sure Cisco!"_ Caitlin replied firmly. Cisco nodded his head.

"Alright," he said, "just be careful out there, okay?"

Caitlin looked at him for a moment, overwhelmed by his obvious concern for her and she nodded her head.

"I will be," she murmured.

Cisco raised no more objections after that and they both turned at the sound of footsteps and watched as Barry made his way towards them in his suit, with the hood down.

"Our bank robber has made his way to the main bank in the center of the city. He's already been in there for about ten minutes. According to your calculations, Cisco, he's got about ten more before he leaves, taking a hostage with him. It's our job to get in there, get the hostages out safely, and apprehend him," he said as he looked at Caitlin.

"First sign of trouble and I want you out of there," he stated and she nodded her head.

"I know," she replied.

"Wally's sitting this one out," Barry added and Caitlin didn't know if she felt relieved or disappointed that she seemed to make him want to stay away.

"It's not because of you," Barry said once he spotted the look on her face and she raised an eyebrow.

"Well, not completely because of you," he amended. "We don't need two speedsters out there. You'll be focusing on getting the hostages out and I'll be focusing on talking our meta into seeing sense. So there's really nothing for him to do."

Caitlin thought it over for a minute before shrugging a shoulder.

"You guys call the shots here," she confirmed.

Barry looked like he was about to retaliate but Cisco interrupted them.

"Seven and half more minutes; if you guys want to stop him, now is the time," he said and Barry nodded. He walked over towards Caitlin and looked at her questioningly as he held his arms open.

She nodded, granting him permission to lift her up. Once he had a secure hold on her and her legs had been swung over the crook of his elbow, he looked down at her.

"Hold on," he said and she wrapped her arms tightly around his neck.

"Forgive me if I throw up on you," she muttered and he laughed slightly before sobering up.

"Hold on," he said before flashing them off. Caitlin turned her head into his shoulder and squeezed her eyes shut tightly, focusing on keeping her lunch down. She was utterly thankful that it wasn't much.

Once they made it to the street the bank was on, Barry slowed down significantly. Barry placed Caitlin down on the ground gently and it took her a moment to gather herself before she looked around. Cops had blocked off the street and she saw Joe standing front and center, looking towards them. Barry looked around before looking at Caitlin.

"Remember, I call the shots. You do what I say, okay?" He asked as he looked at her. She had never seen him look so serious before and it made her heart clench. Apparently, the idea of something happening to her didn't rest well with him and she needed him to not be on edge with worry or the situation could go south. She nodded her head.

"Of course," she replied softly.

Barry nodded his head before picking her back up and flashed them into the building. For the second time, it took Caitlin a moment to ground herself and when she did, she took a look around. There were about fifteen people sitting against the floor, wrists zip tied to each other. Barry flashed around them, getting them free, and raced them outside as Caitlin looked around.

"I thought it was my job to get the hostages out?" Caitlin whispered once Barry flashed back in but he merely shrugged.

"Andrew Carmichael!" He called out, and Caitlin glanced around, hovering slightly behind Barry.

Just then the man in question appeared from a room in the back.

"Ah, Flash and company!" He enthused as he saw them and Caitlin watched him.

"You need to stop this, Andrew," Barry said as calmly as he could and Caitlin knew he was trying to hold control over the situation.

"Hmm, I don't think so," Andrew smirked as he grabbed another bundle of cash and threw it into his bag.

Caitlin wasn't sure how he thought he was going to get around the flash but thought she should at least try to distract him, anyways.

"Why are you doing this?" She asked and she noticed Barry put himself a little more firmly in front of her.

Andrew smirked. "Why not?"

Caitlin shook her head. "You've robbed seven banks in the past two weeks and have remained elusive until now. You must have a reason. I doubt the money is for you."

Andrew's smirk faltered but he hitched it back in place almost immediately.

"I don't see how that's any of your concern," he replied nonchalantly but Caitlin knew she was getting to him.

"No, you're right, it's not. But I'm just curious if you're going to share the story with your inmates. You have to know you won't be walking out of this building a free man," she continued and Barry glanced at her for a moment, unsure of where she was going with this. She shook her head slightly, letting him know she wasn't going to stop. He had the decency to let her continue since she wasn't using her powers right now.

Andrew stared at her for a moment before shrugging. "I need the money."

"Why?"

"I wouldn't expect you to understand," he snapped.

She raised an eyebrow. "Try me."

Andrew looked from her to Barry to the cops outside before dropping his attitude.

"My wife has cancer," he whispered. "We need to the money to pay for her treatment. I was fired from my job when my powers came to light and now our income isn't what it used to be. If she dies, it's my fault."

Caitlin closed her eyes and exhaled. So he was doing this cause of guilt.

"Look, Andrew, I understand how you're feeling right now but this _guil_ t you're carrying around is not healthy. It's not your fault your wife is sick, it's not your fault that your new powers made you get fired," she said as she edged closer to him.

"What are you doing?" Barry whispered as he tried to follow her movement but she merely shook her head, Barry's wish for her to follow his lead be damned. She had to at least help this guy if she could. His wife was sick and he was looking at time in prison all because he wanted to do was help her.

Once Caitlin was about five feet in front of Andrew, she looked at him.

"You've got to understand that this situation is out of your control," she muttered, trying not to focus on Iris's death in that moment and the all-consuming guilt she still felt.

"It's not your fault," she added and Andrew looked at her with so much pain etched across his face.

"Even if you're right, even if this mess isn't my fault, I'm still facing jail time. I held people hostage!" He cried and Caitlin winced, knowing he was right.

"Yes, but we can help you and your wife. If you just stop all this madness right now, we can see what we can do about getting her treatment. I'm a doctor, I can make some calls," she said. She knew she was walking on a fine line; that she didn't have that many people she could call but she had to _try._

Andrew stared at her for a moment before shaking his head abruptly.

"No. No way. I don't trust you. And as for my powers? Well, you're about to see just why they got me fired," he stated and it all happened so fast. One minute Caitlin and Barry were watching him talk, the next he was shooting a knife out of his hand and straight into Caitlin's stomach. Caitlin realized that Barry was caught just as off guard as she was because he didn't even race forward to pull her out of the way. She stared down at the knife lodged in her stomach for a moment before her knees gave out.

Barry was there in an instant, steadying her as Andrew ran off.

"G-go after him," she breathed out but Barry shook his head.

"No," he snapped as he swung her into his arms.

"I told you, I _told_ you: do not do anything that I didn't approve of," he added just before flashing them off. Caitlin knew they were headed towards Star Labs but she couldn't keep her eyes open. She was aware enough to know that Barry was fuming but then she welcomed the darkness eagerly, like an old friend.

 **Author's note:** Hope you enjoy!


	11. As good as its going to get

Caitlin's eyes shot open and she looked around. She realized she was in the medical bay and for a moment she was left utterly confused. Then everything came back to her after a moment. Andrew Carmichael, the knife in her stomach, Barry's anger…

"You're awake," a voice said to her left and Caitlin looked around. Barry was sitting next to her, with bags circling underneath his eyes, looking much too old for his age.

"How long have I been unconscious?" She asked quietly.

"About ten hours," he muttered and Caitlin sighed.

"How mad are you?" She asked.

"Mad doesn't even began to cover it, Caitlin," he snapped and she knew she was in for a world of trouble.

"I explicitly told you to follow my lead and you blatantly disregarded my instructions," he carried on.

"Barry…" Caitlin started hesitantly but was caught off.

"No, you got a _knife_ lodged into your stomach because you were trying to play the hero," Barry said harshly and Caitlin knew just how mad he was in that moment.

"I'm sorry," she murmured, "but I had to try and do _something_. The guy was completely heartbroken and desperate."

"You're right, he was desperate. Desperate enough to do whatever it took to make sure he got out of there safely. Not only did you get yourself hurt, but our meta human got away," Barry exclaimed.

Caitlin felt her irritation grow.

"Barry, how many times have you tried to make the bad guy see some sense in his actions? How many times have you tried to help them?" She snapped and Barry sighed.

"That's different, Cait, I can run away," he said softly, the anger coursing out of him.

"Barry," she exhaled, "I'm alive, aren't I?"

"Barely. Cisco and Harry had to work on you for three hours straight. And then you were unconscious for an additional seven hours. You scared the hell out of me," he said.

It was Caitlin's turn sigh.

"And I'm sorry for that, truly, but I don't regret anything. I had him seeing sense for a few moments. Next time, I don't think we are going to have trouble convincing him to stop," she promised.

Barry chuckled. "There is no next time for you."

"What?" Caitlin asked.

"Like I said, if you don't do what I say during the first mission, you're not going back out there a second time," Barry stated.

"All because I was trying to help Andrew Carmichael?" She asked exasperatedly.

"No. all because you didn't listen to me and got yourself hurt," Barry exclaimed.

Just as she was about to retaliate, Barry held up a hand to stop her.

"Look Cait, I know you think you did the right thing, I really do. However, I told you I cannot and will not see another person I care about get hurt. You almost died. After Iris, I can't handle that," he whispered and Caitlin felt her heart beat harshly inside her chest as she looked at him. She sighed.

"I'm sorry, Barry," she said in a small voice. She knew she messed up, knew Barry had a point. That didn't stop her from wanting to help.

"If I promise to follow your lead completely next time and do exactly what you say without interfering, can I go with you again?" She asked softly.

Barry studied her for a moment before shaking his head.

"Not anytime soon, I'm sorry," he whispered and he did look apologetic.

Caitlin got ready to open her mouth furiously but Barry held up his hand.

"When you heal and when you stop blaming yourself for Iris's death completely, then we will talk," he murmured and Caitlin looked at him.

"How'd you know?" She asked softly.

"I heard what you said to Andrew, Cait. Talking about the guilt he was feeling as if you understood. It didn't take me long to put two and two together and realize you're still feeling guilty," he muttered.

Caitlin exhaled shakily before nodding her head.

"I understand," she replied quietly and she did. Barry had a point.

"Thank you," he breathed out.

"Now try and get some sleep, I'll be here when you wake up," he said.

Caitlin knew it was the best she was going to get; that if she worked on her guilt and proved that she'd listen to him, he might let her back onto the field with him. Nodding her head, she closed her eyes and let sleep overcome her.

 **Author's note** : Thanks for all the lovely reviews on this story, you guys make my heart happy!


	12. Recovery

Caitlin spent a few days recuperating before Harry and Cisco gave her the all clear to go home.

"You still didn't have to make sure I made it home safely, you know," she murmured to Barry as she unlocked her door and eased it open.

He chuckled. "Yes, I did. I needed to do it for my own sanity."

Knowing better than to fight him on the matter, Caitlin merely nodded her head and walked into her apartment and smiled. It was nice to be back in her own space, away from the medical bay. She was used to being the one who patched up the patient, not being the actual patient. Once she made it to her couch, she sat down, feeling tired.

"Would you like some coffee or something?" She asked Barry after a few moments of peaceful silence.

He shook his head. "No, I'd like for you to rest now."

Nodding her head, she hummed in agreement. "Rest does sound like a good idea."

He laughed quietly as she laid back on the couch, tucking her feet into a ball. She smiled slightly as she got more comfortable before looking at him.

"Thanks for everything, Barry," she whispered and he nodded his head.

"You're welcome," he said quietly, "now sleep."

Caitlin didn't need to be told twice. The last thing she felt before she slipped into dreamland was Barry covering her with a blanket and something that felt suspiciously like his lips brushing against her forehead. Smiling slightly, she let sleep take over.

Waking up a few hours later, Caitlin felt refreshed. Not completely better but less tired than she did at Star Labs.

"How was your nap?" A soft voice broke into her thoughts gently and she looked up. Barry was sitting in her chair opposite her couch and she frowned.

"You stayed?" She asked.

He nodded his head.

"Where else would I have gone?" He murmured and Caitlin shrugged one shoulder.

"Home?" She replied uncertainly and he smiled.

"I'm staying with you until you're completely healed," he clarified.

"Didn't get enough of me at Star Labs?" Caitlin teased and Barry laughed.

"Apparently not," he replied before shaking his head, "I just want to make sure you're not putting too much strain on your wound or hurt yourself even further accidentally."

She raised an eyebrow at him but didn't per sue the topic. She knew Barry was as stubborn as they came and that challenging him would only result in a headache for her.

"Well, I'm starving, what would you like to eat?" She asked.

"Feel up to Chinese food?" He asked excitedly and she chuckled.

"Chinese food sounds good," she replied and he smiled before flashing off. He returned faster than she had time to realize what happened.

"I got a little bit of everything," he said as he set the bag down. Her stomach rumbled in response and she grabbed the orange chicken excitedly.

"How did I know that was going to be the first thing you went for?" He asked with a smirk and she smiled.

"Because it's what I always go for first?" She replied sarcastically and he just rolled his eyes.

They ate in comfortable silence until the majority of the food had gone. Well, Barry ate until the majority of the food had gone; she just ate a reasonable amount for one person.

"Man, that was good," Barry sighed happily and Caitlin rolled her eyes fondly.

"You did seem to enjoy it," she teased and he laughed.

"When have I ever not enjoyed good food?" He deadpanned and she couldn't help it, she let out a peal of laughter.

"I can't argue you with you there," she agreed and noticed him smiling warmly at her.

"What?" She asked curiously and he shrugged.

"Nothing," he said quietly. "It's just nice to see you smiling more."

Caitlin bit down on her lip as her cheeks grew warm.

"No, It's nothing to be embarrassed about!" Barry hastened to add. "It's just a nice change. I thought we had lost you to the darkness there for a while."

Caitlin looked down.

"I'm sorry about what I did with my powers when I first got them," she murmured.

"Caitlin, look at me," Barry said gently and she did.

"I didn't mean when you were first Killer Frost. I meant after Iris's death and you were encased in the darkness of your mind," he clarified.

"It was my fault," Caitlin whispered.

"No, no it wasn't," Barry said quietly.

Caitlin felt tears gather at the corner of her eyes and willed them to not roll down her cheeks.

"You don't know what you're talking about, Barry," she said and Barry shook his head.

"Yes, I do," he said with conviction and Caitlin couldn't help it as the first tear rolled over, followed by another one.

"Hey, don't cry," Barry soothed as he scooted closer to her. She scooted back in response.

"No, don't pull away from me," he whispered as he grabbed her wrists, pulling her in closer.

"Barry, d-don't," she stuttered but he shook his head stubbornly.

"No," he replied firmly.

"Why are you so hell bent on forgiving m-me?" She choked out and Barry ran his thumbs underneath her eyes, wiping away the tears.

"Because it's not your fault. I have nothing to forgive you for," he said soothingly and she couldn't help it, she let out an anguished sob.

"Shh," Barry comforted as she tried to pull away but he just held on tighter.

"It was my fault, B-Barry," she cried.

He ran his hands up and down her arms soothingly.

"No, it wasn't," he said and Caitlin didn't know what she did to deserve this man in her life but she wasn't sure if she could cope with it.

"Barry, I think you should go," she said but Barry shook his head.

"No. Stop trying to push me away, Cait. I'm not going anywhere," he said firmly.

"Iris is _dead_!" She yelled as she got up. Barry followed suit and pulled her flush against his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around her so she couldn't get away.

"I know, and I miss her every day but it is not your fault," he said and Caitlin felt her knees buckle under the weight of her guilt. He held her up, like he always had and most likely always will.

"Barry," she wailed and he rocked them back and forth.

"Shh, Cait, shh," he murmured gently.

"I will stay by your side until you're happy again, no matter how long that takes," he added softly.

She cried hard as she listened to his words. This was the first time she let someone else see her lose control and she wasn't sure how to handle it. She pushed him off and went to go punch something, but he stopped her. He grabbed her arm mid swing and pulled her into him.

"You're not doing that Caitlin, you're not punishing yourself," he said and she just nodded her head, too tired to fight him.

"I'm sorry," she whispered and he kissed her forehead.

"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about," he said soothingly and she just stood there, too drained to challenge him. He bent down and picked her up and then walked her back to the couch and laid her down gently on it.

"Try to sleep some more, I'll be here when you wake up," he said softly. Too tired to fight the pull any longer, she fell asleep, hoping against hope that he'd keep his promise.


	13. Staying

Caitlin woke to the sound of gentle talking.

"Yeah, Cisco, she's asleep right now," Barry's voiced sounded in her apartment and she frowned sleepily, trying to figure out what he was talking about.

"She was pretty tired from her outburst," Barry said and Caitlin laughed quietly; trust Barry Allen to down play her rant.

Her laughter made his head shoot up and he smiled softly as their eyes locked.

"She's awake now, I've got to go," he added and it wasn't long before he clicked off the phone and made his way to her.

"How are you feeling?" He asked softly as he sat down next to her on the couch and she thought about it. How was she feeling after her emotional outburst?

"Better, I think," she replied and he nodded his head.

"Good," he said quietly and Caitlin could hear the relief coloring his tone but didn't comment on it. Instead, she changed the subject.

"What did Cisco want?" She asked curiously and Barry shrugged.

"To know how you're doing," he replied and Caitlin levelled him with a look.

"Barry Allen, you told him about my outburst, so what did he really want?" She demanded and Barry hung his head.

"To know if he needed to come over here and help me watch you," he admitted sheepishly and looked up in surprise at Caitlin's laughter.

"That's such a Cisco response," she said and Barry rolled his eyes.

"You're right," he replied with a chuckle.

"But I told him you were sleeping and even if you weren't, I wouldn't need him," he added and Caitlin looked at him curiously.

"Why?" She asked and Barry shrugged his shoulder.

"You're not actually someone who has to be "watched"," he clarified, "you're just someone who needs a friend to help her feel better again. And I for one, take that job very seriously."

Caitlin smiled warmly at him for a moment before sobering up. "I'm sorry about my freak out earlier."

Barry shook his head. "You have nothing to apologize for, especially about that and that's the last time I want to hear you apologizing for it, okay?"

She was about to disagree with him when she caught the look on his face. "Alright."

He smiled at her before he was the one to change the subject.

"How are you feeling?" He inquired and she thought about it.

"Still a little sore and drained but better rested than I have been in a long time," she confirmed and watched as a satisfied grin split across his face.

"What?" She asked curiously and he laughed.

"Nothing. I just knew I was right in suggesting that you get more sleep," he said and Caitlin huffed out an annoyed sound.

"I'm not admitting that you were right, Allen, so get used to it," she teased.

"You will one day, Cait, that's all I need," he bantered back and she rolled her eyes as she stood up.

"Whoa there," Barry stood up too and placed his hand on her lower back, steadying her.

"Barry, it's fine," she muttered but he shook his head.

"Don't push yourself too hard, Cait, you're recovering," he said and Caitlin sighed, knowing it'd be useless to argue with him.

"What are we doing for the rest of the day?" She asked, knowing that Barry was actually dead serious about staying with her and she didn't feel like sleeping anymore.

"What do you want to do?" He asked and she shrugged.

"Anything that gets me off this couch," she replied as she thought it over.

"Can…I mean, would you…is coffee okay?" She asked quietly, not sure if he'd be up for going to Jitters. However, she need not worry because he nodded his head and smiled encouragingly at her.

"Yes, coffee is great. Jitters?" He asked and she smiled.

"Sounds perfect. But no flashing us there," she replied and watched as he shook his head fondly.

"One day you'll be grateful for my speed," he replied good-naturedly as they got ready to leave, Caitlin throwing a sweater on over her shirt.

They made their way out of her building and decided to walk to Jitters, considering her apartment wasn't too far from it.

Once they made their way in, they picked a table in the back, away from the other customers and Barry went up to go place their orders. Caitlin glanced around, getting lost in the memories of simpler days. When it was just the Flash team coming in after a hard day's work and chatting it up with Iris.

She forgot what her voice had sounded like, something that wasn't sitting well with her and strained to remember, hoping that being in the place she worked would help bring back the memory faster.

"Caitlin?" A voice called and she was pulled out of her thoughts and brought back to reality by Barry who was looking at her in concern.

"Hmm?"

"I asked if you were okay," he answered as he looked at her and she wondered how long he had been sitting in front of her, waiting for her to come back from wherever she went.

"Oh yeah, fine," she mumbled.

"Where'd you go?" He asked softly. Caitlin thought about lying to him for half a second before realizing that would be unfair to him. The truth sounded more appealing anyways.

"I was just thinking…it seems like I've forgotten what Iris' voice sounded like," she murmured apologetically.

Far from reprimanding her, he looked thoughtful.

"You know, there are times, when I'm alone, that I find I can't remember what my mom's voice sounded like," he replied softly and Caitlin looked at him.

"And then it comes back to me when I least expect it, so powerful it leaves me lightheaded," he continued and she smiled slightly.

"Always trying to make me feel better, huh?" She asked and he nodded.

"Yep. And trust me, you haven't forgot what her voice sounded like, not really. You've just buried it down inside of you and it'll creep back up when it's ready," he confirmed and she nodded her head gratefully.

"Barry Allen, I don't know what I've done to have a friend like you, but promise me you'll never leave," she requested quietly.

"I'm not going anywhere, Caitlin," he promised firmly.

And that? That was good enough for now.


	14. Best friends

Caitlin made her way back to Star Labs the following morning alone. After finally convincing Barry she would be okay on her own and that she would call him if she needed anything, he agreed to go home and get some much needed sleep himself.

She had spent part of the night awake, trying to make sense of her steadily growing feelings for the speedster. She wasn't sure how she felt about him but knew that it was more than friendship she wanted and that scared her. He had just lost Iris and he didn't need his friend coming in and trying to distract him from that fact. Sighing, she pushed some loose curls behind her ear impatiently as she made it to Star Labs and parked her car. Once out of it, she painted on a smile and made her way in, determined to not look out of character in the slightest, for fear that Barry would pick up on it and demand to stay at her apartment again.

"Hey Caitlin," a voice called out to her and she looked around.

"Hello, Julian," she murmured and smiled politely at him,

"You feeling better then?" He asked and she looked at him confusion.

"I'm sorry?" Caitlin asked. Surely Barry wouldn't have told anybody else about her breakdown.

"From your stab wound?" Julian continued and Caitlin felt relief course through her; of course Barry wouldn't have told anyone else, she felt ashamed for just thinking of the idea.

"Oh, yeah, much better," she confirmed and Julian smiled hesitantly at her. She didn't have it in her to be half-hearted with him, not today, so she smiled back.

"Look, Caitlin, I know it's been awhile but I was just wondering…"

"There you are!" Cisco's voice interrupted him and Caitlin looked at him in surprise.

"Hey Cisco," she replied, finding herself oddly relieved to see him.

"Hey Julian, mind if I steal her from you for a moment? Thanks, man," he finished without waiting for a response before directing Caitlin into the Cortex.

"I just saved you," he muttered and Caitlin looked at him.

"From what?" Caitlin asked.

"Not from what, from whom," Cisco clarified, "and the answer to that is Julian."

Caitlin looked at him. "And why do I need saving from Julian?"

"Dude was ready to ask you out on a date the moment he saw you pull up here with a smile on your face. If you don't want saving, I can let you handle the situation on your own," Cisco went to walk away but Caitlin grabbed him by the elbow, effectively locking him in place.

"Don't you dare," she breathed out. She wasn't even sure what made Julian think she was still interested in him.

"Do I have to stop smiling at the guy?" Caitlin asked and Cisco laughed.

"Either that or get yourself a new boyfriend," he raised his eyebrows and smirked.

"I don't even want to know what you're insinuating," Caitlin sighed and Cisco laughed.

"Of course you do, Cait, we're best friends; we always want to know what the other person is insinuating," he replied.

Caitlin shook her head. "Not this time."

"Fine," Cisco dropped the subject and Caitlin smiled gratefully. She should've known better than to trust him to leave the subject alone, though.

"It would just really do you some good to talk to Barry," he added and Caitlin was left confused.

"Talk to Barry?" Caitlin asked and Cisco merely grinned.

"That's what I said, isn't it?" Cisco replied.

"Yes but why?" Caitlin questioned further and Cisco simply shook his head.

"Oh no, young one, that's up to you to find out," he replied swiftly before walking out of the room, leaving Caitlin utterly confused.

Well, what just happened?

 **Author's note** : short one again. I write a lot because I'm an insomniac and wake up at way too early of an hour during the morning after about 4-5 hours of sleep. So, I'll probably write another chapter tonight before I pass out due to exhaustion. Thanks for the reviews, lovelies. They really keep me going. And I just wanted a Cisco and Caitlin chapter because let's be real: they're adorable and I always find that Cisco likes to give Caitlin a little nudge when she needs it. Plus, a break from the angst!


	15. Theories

Caitlin mulled over Cisco's words. Talk to Barry. What did that even _mean_? She wasn't sure what she was supposed to talk to him about. Not her feelings, he didn't need to hear about them, not when she wasn't even sure what they meant. She sighed. She wasn't sure when her life got so complicated but she was starting to seriously wish she could go back and change a few things.

'Like killing Iris' the sly voice whispered in her ear and her heart clenched. She hadn't heard that voice since her break down in front of Barry and she was hoping it would be a lot longer until she heard it again.

Exhaling shakily, she looked up at the sound of someone entering the Cortex and smiled softly when her eyes landed on Barry.

"Hey," she said gently and he mirrored her smile.

"Hey yourself," he replied. He made his way over to her with two cups of coffees and she peeked at one hopefully.

"One of those for me?" Caitlin quizzed and was delighted to see Barry nod his head.

"Of course," he said with a chuckle before handing her a cup. Taking a much needed sip, (and hoping it'd help clear some of the cobwebs clouding up her brain,) she smiled at Barry.

"You're the best," she sighed happily and he chuckled, bumping his arm into hers'.

"Well, I _am_ a superhero," he whispered.

"You? Really? Why didn't anyone tell me?" Caitlin asked mockingly before laughing.

"Really, Barry, thanks. You didn't have to," she added when her laughter calmed down.

He shrugged his shoulders. "I know I didn't have to but I wanted to."

And damn, if that didn't make her heart flutter.

"Well, you can get me coffee any day of the week and you won't hear me complain," she said as she took another sip, smiling as it warmed her.

The pair sat in silence for a while, enjoying their beverages and each other's company before Barry spoke up.

"So," he began and then hesitated.

"So…"Caitlin prompted him.

"Uh, Cisco said it would be in my best interest if I talked to you," he mumbled.

Caitlin's eyes narrowed. "Did he now?"

"He did," Barry confirmed, "why would that be?"

Caitlin shrugged a shoulder. "I don't know what goes through that guy's mind."

Barry laughed. "Neither do I."

Caitlin hummed, leaving the conversation there to see if Barry would continue filling in the gaps. She didn't have to wait long.

"He also told me he told you that it'd be in your best interest to talk to me too," he added and Caitlin blushed. Cisco was playing them both like a fiddle.

"Well, yes," she hedged, "he did say that. I'm not sure why."

It was Barry's turn to blush and she was fascinated.

"Did I actually make Barry Allen flustered?" Caitlin teased and watched in amusement as he turned even redder.

"I do not get flustered," he dismissed and Caitlin laughed.

"Sure you don't," she replied good-naturedly.

"Why do you think Cisco is telling us these things, Barry?" Caitlin asked a moment later.

He sighed. "I have a theory, I just don't know if I'm right."

Caitlin raised an eyebrow. "Tell me your theory and we'll see if it makes sense with my theory."

"You have a theory?" Barry asked and Caitlin nodded her head.

"But I'm not telling you mine until you tell me yours', Allen," she stated.

"You don't play fair," he groaned and Caitlin laughed.

"And you're stalling," she reminded him.

Barry nodded his head before taking a long sip of coffee. She waited patiently.

"Cisco seems to think that, we, could benefit from spending more time with each other as something other than friends," he finally mumbled and Caitlin's heart soared.

Keeping her emotions firmly in check, she looked at Barry.

"And what do you think?" Caitlin asked quietly, waiting to see how this would unfold.

"I-I think that it couldn't hurt," he muttered, blush kissing his cheeks.

"Even though Iris was your love?" Caitlin asked, hating herself but needing to know at the same time.

"Look, Cait," Barry sighed, "Iris was the love of my life. She was supposed to be my wife. I cannot deny that."

"No, you can't," she murmured and looked down. She only looked up when she felt him squeeze her hand comfortingly.

"But," he carried on, "I think it'd be stupid to not figure out what this is." Barry waved his free hand in between the two of them and Caitlin bit her lip.

"I think you're right," she murmured.

"However, we're both still healing. What if we're moving into something too fast?" Caitlin added.

"Ever the logical scientist," Barry commented fondly and Caitlin just nodded her head.

"I think, that if we both state the pace we want to move at, then we can," he replied simply.

"It's not that easy, Barry," she breathed out.

"It isthat easy," he countered and she looked at him.

Every cell in her body was screaming at her to take a chance on this man or she was seriously going to miss out on something special.

Sighing, she nodded her head.

"Okay," she breathed out, "okay."

"Okay," he replied simply before brushing his lips across her forehead, warming her from head to toe.

She smiled.

"We'll have to go very slow, Barry. I don't want you to think I'm trying to replace Iris," Caitlin started.

"I don't," he was quick to interrupt.

She shook her head and laughed.

"But I want you to know that I wouldn't, couldn't, do that," she insisted and smiled as he nodded his head in agreement.

"I know you wouldn't, Cait," he murmured. "However, that doesn't mean that we can't create our own story," he added.

She mulled over his words. "Our own story. I like the sound of that."

He smiled warmly.

"Me too."

He brushed his lips across her forehead again, before brushing them at the corner of her mouth and she sighed happily.

"Oh and Barry?"

"Hmm?"

"Our theories were correct."

He just grinned in response.


	16. Darkness

Caitlin and Barry continued to chat over their coffee, both completely at peace with the decision they made. Caitlin was surprised at herself; she thought she'd be feeling guilty about trying a relationship with Barry but she was utterly happy. Sighing softly, she took a sip of her beverage and smiled slightly at Barry around the rim of her cup. She noticed he looked like he was deep in thought and placed her hand down on his arm lightly.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Caitlin asked curiously and Barry smiled softly.

"It's nothing, just have a couple of things on my mind," he replied and Caitlin nodded. She knew what it was like to want to keep some things to yourself but she also knew that being able to talk about what was bothering her was one of the greatest things and she knew Barry could trust her and confide in her.

"Well, super hero, why don't you share some of your worries with me?" Caitlin encouraged gently and smiled slightly when Barry nodded his head in agreement. She gave him a minute to collect his thoughts.

"I was just thinking about when Savitar held you hostage," he murmured and Caitlin blinked.

"Savitar didn't hold me hostage Barry, I joined him," she reminded him softy and oh, how she hated that she did.

Barry shook his head. "No, he manipulated you and used the fact that he was me from the future to convince you to stay with him. To me, he got what he wanted by forcing your hand."

Caitlin thought it over before shrugging,

"Okay, let's say you're right, why are you thinking about this?" Caitlin asked quietly.

Barry looked at her before lightly tracing his finger across her upper lip.

"Were you ever scared with him?" Barry whispered and Caitlin felt her breathing hitch.

In order to stay calm, she took another drink and thought over her answer carefully.

"Every day," she replied honestly and watched Barry's eyes cloud over with hatred.

"Why does that bother you so much? We weren't in each other's lives," she asked softly and Barry ran a weary hand over his face.

"You were still one of my best friends, Cait, and I just left you to be with that monster," he sighed. Caitlin ran her hand down his arm soothingly, like he had done that night in her apartment when she had her breakdown.

"You didn't leave me with anyone, Barry, I chose to stay with him," she whispered and Barry clenched his fist.

"Yes, because he _manipulated_ you, Cait," he muttered and Caitlin knew not to push him about this, knew he'd be too stubborn to be swayed.

"Well, even if I hadn't been acting on my own free will, he's gone Barry. He can't hurt you anymore," she promised softly.

"Or you," he replied back equally as soft before cradling her cheek in his hand. Caitlin closed her eyes at the touch and smiled slightly. How she wished Barry was right, how she _wished_ that Savitar held her against her will. That way, the reality of the matter wouldn't be so damn hard to face.

Sighing, she placed her hand over his' against her cheek and held it there.

"Barry, you are, without a doubt, the nicest guy I have ever had the fortune to meet," she whispered.

"No, don't say anything," she added as Barry opened his mouth.

"You seriously just lost Iris a few months ago to a monster, I took part in that, and then I came back and put you through so much even though you just lost Iris and you're still willing to see the good in me," she said softly.

"That's because that's all that's in you," he replied quietly and Caitlin shook her head.

"We both know that's not true; we both know I have a darkness far worse than Savitar's sitting inside me, waiting to be unleashed," she murmured as she closed her eyes tightly, wishing that wasn't the truth.

"Look at me, sweetheart," he murmured and the nickname made her heart soar but she still couldn't open her eyes.

"Please, Caitlin, look at me," he asked again and Caitlin forced herself to open her eyes.

"I really need you to hear me when I say that you are _not_ a bad person," he said gently and she stared at him, wishing he was right.

"Bar-"

"No, listen to me," he cut her off and she snapped her mouth shut.

"Just because you have a darkness inside of you doesn't mean you're evil, Caitlin Snow. Everyone has darkness inside of them, that's inevitable. It's how we choose to live our lives with the darkness that makes us who we are. You came back to us. You saved Cisco from Savitar. You are _good_. Plain and simple, Caitlin," he murmured and she felt her heart beat unevenly in her chest.

She didn't know what she did to deserve this man sitting beside her but she would forever be grateful.

"Barry?"

"Hmm?"

"I think I'm going to kiss you now," she murmured.

"I think you should," he replied automatically and she grinned. She leaned in, placing her hands against either side of his face gently and could feel his breath ghost over her lips. Heart racing, she brushed her lips across his once, twice, three times before pulling away with a satisfied smile. She opened her eyes and saw him staring back at her with a grin.

"Was that alright?" Caitlin asked, suddenly nervous.

"I mean, I-Iris, and you need time, and I don't…"

Barry cut her off by kissing her this time and she immediately fell silent as she leaned into the kiss eagerly. She felt it in her toes and it had been a long time since anyone had ever made her feel that from one kiss.

Pulling back, Barry kissed her forehead.

"Has anyone ever told you that you worry too much, Caitlin Snow?" Barry asked with a laugh.

"Not today," she replied with her own chuckle. He laced their fingers together and she sighed contentedly.

"Where do we go from here, Barry?" Caitlin asked softly.

He grinned. "Forward."

 **Author's note:** I clearly needed a break from the angst. Hope you enjoy!


	17. Second chance

"So you and Barry?" Cisco asked excitedly and Caitlin laughed softly.

"Looks that way," she agreed and Cisco grinned at her.

"Congratulations, Cait, I don't know anyone who deserves it more," he replied sincerely and Caitlin frowned.

"Iris deserved it," she mumbled and Cisco shook his head.

"Caitlin, listen to me. You deserve happiness, too. Don't let your guilt eat at your happiness and chip it away until it's nothing," he murmured and she looked at him before nodding her head.

"You're right, thanks," she said softly and he squeezed her shoulder.

"You're only going to be as happy as you let yourself be," he added and she bit her lip, knowing he was right.

"Thanks, Cisco," she said and he nodded his head.

"Of course, Cait," he grinned.

"Keep the kissing to a minimal around me," he laughed and Caitlin rolled her eyes.

"Whatever you say, _young one_ ," she agreed lightly and he nodded his head.

"You two may be my best friends but I don't need to see you guys pack on the PDA. I think I'd be scarred for life," he cringed and Caitlin laughed.

"You're so dramatic," she stated and he shrugged his shoulder.

"What's your point exactly?" Cisco replied and Caitlin shook her head fondly.

"Nothing," she replied with a smile and he mirrored it.

"That's what I thought," he replied and she laughed before bumping his shoulder.

"Where's Barry?" Caitlin asked, looking around. She had yet to see him since she arrived and she was curious as to what he was up to.

"Caitlin Snow, I swear if you two become those sickening people who have to spend every waking moment together, I won't talk to you for a month, minimum," he admonished and Caitlin just rolled her eyes.

"Whatever, _Francisco_ ," and she watched in satisfaction as he cringed.

"He's in the Cortex," he nodded his head towards that direction and she smiled gratefully.

"Thanks," she murmured and left him, making her way towards the room. Once there, she peeked inside and saw Barry running on the treadmill. Smiling slightly at his dedication, Caitlin walked in.

"Hey hero," she called out and he looked up, grinning at her. He stopped the treadmill and got off before making his way towards her.

"Hey yourself," he murmured before kissing her softly.

"Barry Allen, don't kiss me when you're all sweaty," she reprimanded him and he just chuckled.

"Sorry," he grinned but Caitlin knew he wasn't, not really.

"Whatever," she laughed.

"I came to talk to you about something," she added and he looked at her.

"What?" Barry asked softly, encouraging her to continue.

Thinking over her words quickly, she sighed. "I want to go back out onto the field with you."

Barry shook his head. "No way."

Caitlin was stubborn. "Barry, I _promise_ to listen to your orders and not try to talk sense into the net meta human we fight."

"Caitlin, it's too dangerous," he reminded her head but she shook her head.

"I think you're forgetting that I can handle myself," she replied softly and it was his turn to sigh.

"You promise to listen to _exactly_ what I say?" Barry checked and she nodded her head quickly.

"Exactly what you say. If you tell me to leave, I'll leave. If you tell me to stand behind you, I'll stand behind you. Whatever you say, I'll do," she verified and Barry studied her for a moment.

"Alright," he caved. "But Caitlin, if you get yourself hurt again, that's it. There won't be a next time."

She knew it was as good as it was going to get and smiled softly at him. "Thank you, Barry."

He sighed. "I must be out of my mind but you're welcome."

She laughed. "You're not out of your mind."

He just shook his head fondly. "Whatever you say."

She looked around. "So when are we going out onto the field?"

"Actually, later today," Cisco said and she hadn't noticed that he walked back into the Cortex

She looked at him quizzically.

"You two still have to bring in Andrew Carmichael," he stated and she nodded her head.

"Right," she agreed softly and chanced a glance at Barry, who looked mad.

"I mean it Caitlin, you do exactly what I say out there. If you get yourself stabbed again, I'll never forgive you," he promised and Caitlin knew he was serious.

"I will," she said softly and he nodded his head.

"We better start preparing," he muttered.

"Let's go," Caitlin encouraged.

 **Author's note:** Short chapter for now. I got 4.5 hours of sleep before I decided it was time to wake up. Helloooooooo no sleep. Anyways, thanks for the reviews. Another chapter will probably be posted sometime later today. Enjoy.


	18. Job

"Remember: don't do anything without running it by me first," Barry muttered as he and Caitlin got ready to go hunt down Andrew Carmichael for a second time.

"Trust me, I won't. I don't want to feel the wrath of Barry Allen," Caitlin teased and ha laughed.

"Too right you don't," he agreed before holding out his arms and looking at her.

She nodded her head, giving him permission to swing her into his arms before they flashed off. Again, it took Caitlin a moment to get her bearings once he placed her back on the ground and when she did, she glanced around at their surroundings. They were on some sort of dock and she looked quizzically at Barry.

"I thought he'd be at a bank or something," she said quietly, not too keen on the idea of drawing attention to themselves.

"He plans on being at another bank in an hour. Our goal is to stop that from happening by forcing him out of his hiding spot," he replied lowly and Caitlin nodded her head in understanding.

"Stay close to me," Barry murmured as he began to walk towards a rundown shack a little to the left of the dock. Caitlin stayed behind him as they made their way to it. Once they got there, Barry held out his arm, blocking Caitlin from going any further.

"Stay here," he whispered and she nodded her head, knowing better than to defy him.

Barry walked into the shack and Caitlin took the opportunity to glance around. Apart from the shack and the dock, this was basically a deserted part of the city and she wasn't surprised that this is where Andrew had decided to come after each heist.

A twig snapping to her left had her looking up, heart beating madly in her chest.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" Andrew was smirking at her with a gun pointed directly at her chest. She willed herself to stay calm but it was hard. Knowing better than to shout out for Barry, she watched him.

"Andrew, we can help you," she whispered pleadingly but he merely stalked forward, grabbing her roughly and forcing her to her knees.

Caitlin's breathing became irregular as she closed her eyes, hoping against hope it wasn't going to end this way. She hadn't even had the chance to tell Barry she loved him.

"Please A-Andrew, don't do this," she said softly, forcing the dam inside her to not break and unleash her tears.

"You should've thought about your life before you came meddling in things that didn't concern you," he snapped.

"Caitlin, are you talking to someone?" Barry's voice called out and she made a split second decision to not answer him. She wanted to protect him for as long as she could and she knew he'd lose it if he saw the predicament she had found herself in.

Andrew wasn't having it, however. Placing the gun near her temple, he rammed it against the side of her head.

"Answer him, sweetheart," he muttered and Caitlin blinked back the pain and shook her head.

"I said," Andrew started as he hit her again, "answer him."

Taking a deep breath, Caitlin sighed.

"Yes, I'm talking to someone," and she was proud at the fact that her voice didn't shake.

"Come on out, Flash," Andrew called out. Caitlin knew Barry wouldn't come whizzing out of the building because he wasn't sure what he would find. True to form, she heard his feet crunch on the gravel as he edged into view.

"Hello," Andrew smiled and Barry looked at Caitlin briefly before looking at Andrew.

"Let her go," he ordered lowly and Caitlin knew how mad he was.

"I don't think so, Flash," Andrew taunted.

"I said, _let her go_ ," Barry repeated firmly.

"No. And do you really want to risk running when I've got the gun this close to her head?" Andrew asked triumphantly and Caitlin knew he had a point. She wasn't sure if Barry would reach her in time, the way he hadn't reached Iris in time.

"Caitlin, are you okay?" Barry asked softly, looking at her and Caitlin nodded her head as bravely as she could.

"I'm fine," she whispered and Barry nodded his head before looking at Andrew.

"We came here to give you a chance to turn yourself in. I don't know who's the bigger idiot; me for thinking you'd come willingly or you for pointing a gun at her head and seriously grating my nerves," he stated and Caitlin wondered what he was playing at.

So, it seemed, did Andrew.

"Wise choice of words considering I have a gun pointed at the pretty lady and you're completely at my mercy," he replied smoothly and Caitlin was surprised to find Barry chuckling.

"Yeah, but Andrew, _you_ are at _her_ mercy," he clarified,

"What?" Andrew snapped and Barry looked at Caitlin.

"Caitlin? Do your worst," he said and Caitlin knew he meant with her powers, something Andrew didn't know she had. Feeling far braver than she did a moment ago, she nodded her head before raising her hands and letting the cool mist swirl around them.

"What-"Andrew started but he was too busy staring at her hands to notice anything else. Caitlin slammed her elbow into his ribs and he jumped back at the contact. That was all she needed. She shoved her shoulder into his stomach, effectively disarming him and stood up before turning around. She smiled wickedly at him before letting the ice freeze over his gun. It went clattering down and Caitlin kicked it away.

"Should really learn to know who you're dealing with," Caitlin smirked before forcing the ice out of her hands and towards him. It knocked him flat on his back and she smiled victoriously.

She glanced back up at Barry with a chuckle.

"All yours', Flash," she said and he nodded with a grin. He flashed over to him and put power dampening cuffs on him before Andrew had any time to register what happened.

"Well, that turned out better than I expected," Caitlin said nonchalantly as she looked down at Andrew Carmichael, who still looked baffled about what had just happened. She let the mist die down before lowering her hands.

Barry smiled at her softly. "Let me flash him to the precinct and I'll be back to get you."

She nodded her head and watched as they left in a flurry of electricity. Not even thirty seconds later he was back.

"Joe's booking him now," he said triumphantly and Caitlin grinned.

"That's fantastic," she said and was surprised when Barry lowered his hood and kissed her passionately. She returned the kiss enthusiastically.

"Not that I'm complaining, but what was that for?" Caitlin asked as they broke apart.

"Well, while you were incredibly brave, my heart stopped the moment I saw you with a gun pointed at your temple and I realized that I desperately wanted to do that," he murmured and she smiled softly before brushing her lips against his again.

"You can do that whenever you want," she replied and he chuckled.

"I plan on it," he acknowledged before holding out his arms.

"May I?" Barry asked.

"If you must," Caitlin sighed dramatically before he swung her in arms. Next moment, they were off, as if they had never been there in the first place.

 **Author's note:** I think I sprained my finger. COOL. Secondly, let me know what you guys think about me activating my tumblr and accepting prompts for one shots. Completely up to you guys. Hope you enjoy!


	19. A job well done

"Caitlin Snow saved the day!" Cisco shouted once she and Barry had made it back and told him about their day.

"Actually, Killer Frost saved the day," she murmured.

Barry shook his head. "No, that was all you."

"He's right, Cait," Cisco hummed and she looked at him.

"If it had been Killer Frost, she would've taken over and not stopped. You stopped after you disarmed him," he elaborated.

Caitlin thought it over for a moment before smiling. "You're right."

Cisco flashed her a grin. "I know I am, young one."

Caitlin couldn't help but roll her eyes fondly.

Barry's phone pinged with a notification and he looked at it before looking up at Caitlin and Cisco with a satisfied grin.

"That was Joe. He got Carmichael booked," he verified and Caitlin smiled warmly.

"Good," she breathed out and Cisco nodded his head in line with her statement.

"That is good," he agreed, "man was getting too big for his boots."

Caitlin and Barry both laughed at that statement.

Just then, Wally walked in and headed over to Caitlin.

"Hey, can I talk to you for a moment?" Wally asked. Caitlin saw Barry stiffen out of the corner of her eye but she nodded her head regardless.

"Sure," she murmured before heading off to a secluded spot with Wally in tow.

She waited patiently for him to gather his thoughts.

"I just wanted to say," Wally began slowly, "thanks for helping out Barry today. He couldn't have brought in Carmichael without your help."

Caitlin smiled warmly at him.

"You don't need to thank me for that," she replied softly.

"I also wanted to say, Iris would've been proud of you," he muttered and Caitlin felt her heart clench.

"Wally…" Caitlin began but he held up a hand.

"No, Caitlin, please let me get this out," Wally interrupted her and she shut her mouth, curious to see what he had to say.

"I've been treating you unfairly ever since you came back and I just want to apologize for my behavior. You have to understand that I miss my sister every day and I have to understand that her death wasn't your fault," he mumbled and Caitlin felt her heart thump unevenly in her chest.

"Wally, I'm so sorry." She muttered but Wally levelled her with a look.

"No, Cait, _I'm_ sorry. I'm sorry for being such a jerk and not accepting you being a part of the team again. That wasn't cool of me," he said and Caitlin chuckled.

"I'm not going to argue you with you there but it's not like I didn't deserve it," she murmured.

"That's the thing though, Caitlin, you didn't deserve it. Not in the slightest," Wally said and Caitlin felt her heart slow down a little.

"Well, I appreciate you taking the time to come talk to me regardless," she said softly and Wally smiled hesitantly at her, which she mirrored.

"I'll let you get back to Cisco and Barry now," he said and she nodded her head. She watched him walk off before making her way over to Barry and Cisco, who both wore matching grins.

"Can I assume by the stupid grins on your face that you both heard our conversation?" Caitlin teased and they nodded their heads in unison.

"You can, young one," Cisco confirmed and Caitlin rolled her eyes fondly.

Barry laced their fingers together and squeezed hers'.

"I'm glad he came around, Cait," he said softly and she shrugged her shoulder.

"He didn't have to but I'm glad he did as well," she verified.

"See, a successful day all around," Cisco said and Caitlin laughed.

"Yes, _young one_ , it has been a successful day all around," she agreed lightly.

She looked at her two boys and smiled warmly.

"What?" Barry asked once he spotted the look on her face and she just shrugged.

"Nothing. I just realized there's nowhere I'd rather be than right here with two of you," she commented quietly and he ran his thumb over her knuckles softly.

"I can say the same," he hummed in agreement, Cisco mirroring his words.

The three stood in comfortable silence for a while, not needing to fill it with useless words. These were the moments that Caitlin lived for and had missed the most. When it was just the three of them reflecting on a job well done. She can't believe she had given up days like these when she was Killer Frost and hoped she would never have to give them up again.

"Barry broke their silence a little while later. "Well, I don't know about you two but I think this calls for a celebration."

Cisco eyes lit up as he looked at them. "Big Belly?"

"Big Belly," Barry confirmed and Caitlin chuckled.

"Will you two ever stop letting food dictate your lives?" Caitlin asked and they both shook their heads.

"Probably not, Cait," Barry laughed.

"Besides, you cannot tell me you don't need to refuel," Cisco interrupted and looked at her pointedly.

"You're right, I can't," she agreed and Cisco fist pumped the air.

"Yes! Big Belly it is!" He shouted and left to go pick up some, leaving Barry and Caitlin alone. Barry wrapped his arms around Caitlin and rested his chin on her shoulder.

"Good job today, Cait," he murmured and Caitlin smiled happily.

"I even followed your instructions down to the last one," she teased.

"See? Best way to do it," Barry laughed and Caitlin rolled her eyes fondly, feeling happier than she had in a long time. It was the first time that she wasn't punishing herself for using her powers and something good had come out of using them, anyways. Carmichael was booked and she hadn't hurt anybody. A job well done indeed.


	20. Regrets

"Caitlin, can I talk to you for a moment?" Caitlin looked up at the voice that was calling her and she smiled at Julian.

"Sure." Caitlin replied and he looked at Barry.

"In private?" Julian asked and she looked at him.

Barry nodded his head.

"It's cool, I better go see what's taking Cisco so long at Big Belly. I swear, if he's talking to the waitress again, I'm going to laugh. Or yell at him for taking forever to bring my food. One of the two," he laughed before flashing off. Caitlin looked Julian curiously.

"So, I hear Killer Frost made an appearance today," he said and Caitlin nodded her head.

"Yep. She saved the day," she smiled and Julian looked at her.

"But did she really?" Julian asked quietly and Caitlin frowned in confusion.

"I'm sorry?" Caitlin asked and Julian shrugged his shoulder.

"Come on, Caitlin, you have to know that awakening Killer Frost is going to bring out consequences," he replied softly and Caitlin furrowed her brow.

"I-I've got a handle on it," she muttered, unsure of herself.

"Do you?" Julian replied and Caitlin bit her lip.

 _Did_ she?

"I know you want to believe that but think about it," he continued, "Iris died because of Killer Frost."

And there it was, the truth that no one but she seemed to want to face. No one besides Julian, apparently.

"What?" Caitlin whispered, wondering why he was talking to her about this.

"I know you think you're in control but you worked alongside _Savitar_ when you were Killer Frost. What's going to happen now that you've awoken her again?" Julian asked,

"Why are you asking me this?" Caitlin mumbled, unsure as to what his point was.

"I just want you think about the destruction you caused last time and really ask yourself if it's in the best interest of the team to be Killer Frost again. I know that you helped save the day today, but what happens next time? What if you're not in control?" Julian raised an excellent point and Caitlin mulled over his words.

"Just think about it, Caitlin," he added before walking out of the room and leaving her alone to her thoughts.

Julian was right. She wasn't sure if she'd be able to control Killer Frost next time and it was her fault Iris died. Finding the room stifling, all of sudden, she fled to the safety of her car. Once there, she left without looking back and made her way to her apartment.

After letting herself in, she rushed to her bathroom and stared at her reflection. For a moment, she didn't recognize who was staring back at her in the mirror.

Barry had momentarily convinced her that she was in control of her powers but she saw exactly how stupid she had been for agreeing with him. And Julian was the only one who seemed to realize that she was responsible for Iris' death. No matter how many times Barry tried to convince her otherwise, there was no escaping that fact when it was staring her directly in the face. Angry tears welled up in her eyes and gushed over. How stupid had she been to think she could actually use her powers without becoming Killer Frost? She didn't know what she was thinking.

Exhaling shakily, she opened her bathroom cabinet and rummaged around it for a moment before her hand grasped what she was looking for. Shaking slightly, she pulled out her bottle of sleeping pills and stared at it. As long as she still had her powers, she would still be considered a threat to everyone. She needed to end this before someone else got hurt. It was her fault Iris was dead, her fault Barry went back into the speed force because Savitar died; everything was her fault and she was stupid to believe otherwise. Opening the bottle, she poured out two small pills and stared at them, mulling over her options. Before she had time to convince herself otherwise, she swallowed them quickly. Hesitating for a brief moment, she swallowed ten more for the hell of it.

 **Author's note:** Apparently, I like angst and couldn't live without it for a while. Hope you enjoy! And my tumbler is: adancethroughhell

Leave me prompts if you so wish and I'll try to get to them!


	21. An understanding

Caitlin floated in and out of consciousness and wondered what it would be like when she slipped into the dark abyss for good. Would Barry understand why she did it? Would he be too terribly mad at her? She didn't have all the answers and she didn't care. She was waiting for the darkness to engulf her.

"Caitlin, open the door now!" Barry yelled and she heard him hammering on the door. If only she could tell him she was okay, that it wouldn't be long and the woman responsible for Iris's death would be gone from his life, too. However, her brain felt foggy and she didn't have the energy to yell back. So she just waited patiently.

"Caitlin, open the door!" Barry shouted one more time. She remained silent.

"Fine, have it your way," he growled and the next thing Caitlin was aware of was her door being thrusted open and Barry speeding in. How he knew she was in her bathroom she had no idea but she was too far gone to ask questions.

"Caitlin, no, no, no," she heard Barry mumble as he dropped to his knees.

She felt him grab her wrist, checking her pulse but she still couldn't say anything.

"Caitlin, can you hear me baby?" Barry murmured and she wanted to tell him yes, but she couldn't find her voice so she just laid there with her eyes closed.

"How many did you take?" Barry demanded and Caitlin knew he had found her pill bottle. Ten? Twelve? She really wasn't sure anymore. It didn't matter, nothing mattered.

"Caitlin, answer me," Barry panicked but she couldn't, not now, not ever.

She welcomed the darkness like an old friend.

Caitlin wasn't sure what dragged her back to consciousness. Maybe it was the persistent beeping, or maybe it was the gentle voice singing. Whatever it was, it caused her to open an eye and stare bleary around.

"Cait?' A soft voice asked her and, despite the numbness to her brain, she forced her other eye open and looked around.

She spotted Barry sitting next to her, watching her concernedly.

"What-water," she groaned out in a hoarse voice and Barry lifted up the cup next to her and placed the straw against her lips.

"Easy," he soothed as she took an eager sip, wincing as she swallowed.

After she eased some of the dryness of her throat, she looked at Barry unhappily.

"You weren't supposed to save me," she muttered, mad that her plan hadn't worked.

"Too bad," he stated simply as he watched her.

"Do you have _any_ idea of the kind of hell you put me through?" Barry whispered.

"Do you have any idea why it feels like my stomach is being stabbed?" Caitlin shifted in discomfort.

"That would be because the doctor's had to pump your stomach. And do you want to know what they found? Twelve sleeping pills. _Twelve_." Barry said and Caitlin winced, knowing how mad he was.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Why? Why would you do that to yourself and me?" Barry asked brokenly and Caitlin sighed.

"Ask Julian," she muttered.

"Oh, he's already come clean and he's off the team," Barry assured.

"But what I want to know is why you didn't wait to talk to me about what he said to you," Barry continued as he stared at her and Caitlin couldn't figure out why she hadn't done that in the first place. Probably be less painful for everyone, herself included.

"I was scared," she said in a small voice and dropped her eyes.

"Sweetheart, look at me," Barry ordered softly and she lifted her gaze back to him.

"I don't care what he said to you, nothing, and I mean _nothing_ gives you the right to try to erase yourself permanently from my life, do I make myself clear?" Barry asked and Caitlin had never heard him speak in this tone before. So mad he was eerily calm.

"I just…got scared," she muttered but Barry shook his head.

"Then talk to me, Cisco, hell, Joe. But don't go running off without telling anyone where you're going only to end up attempting an overdose by yourself. If I hadn't made it to your apartment in time, you would be dead. Do you understand that?" Barry demanded.

"Yes," Caitlin whispered and she did. She may have acted irrationally due to her fear but she wasn't sure if death was the right option. Sighing, she ran her thumb soothingly over Barry's knuckles.

"I'm sorry I scared you," she murmured and Barry laughed humorlessly.

"That's an understatement," he disagreed and Caitlin shrugged slightly.

"You terrified the life out of me, Cait," he said softly and she nodded her head, knowing that what she did was wrong.

"I promise to never do anything like that again," she said and he nodded his head.

"I know you won't, because I'm not giving you the chance. From now on, you're under supervision until stated otherwise," he said matter of fact and Caitlin rolled her eyes.

"I'm not a child, Barry," she snapped.

"It's not about you being a child, it's about me knowing that you're safe, no matter what. I told you once that I can't lose anyone else I love and I meant it. I'm not losing you," he muttered and Caitlin's heart stopped.

"Y-you love me?" She whispered disbelievingly.

"Not the way I wanted you to find out, but yeah, I do," he murmured and she smiled hesitantly.

"I love you, too," she replied with conviction.

He smiled at her. "Then do me a favor. _Never_ try to kill yourself again."

"Deal."

 **Author's note:** I got my first one shot request up! If you have one, leave it on my tumblr (adancethroughhell) or the comments. Hope you enjoy!


	22. Home

Caitlin was discharged from the hospital a few days later and she sighed as Barry flashed them back to her apartment.

"I'm I right in assuming you're staying with me?" Caitlin asked once he placed her down. He simply nodded his head.

"You'd be correct," he replied and she resisted the temptation to roll her eyes. It wasn't that she didn't appreciate his concern for her wellbeing, it was more that she wanted things to return to normal. Knowing that she lost that option the moment she took the pills, she sighed and let him in into her apartment.

"Why don't you go get changed into something comfortable?" Barry asked softly and she nodded her head. She needed to be in clothes that didn't feel like a hospital. After getting changed into some comfortable loungewear, she made her way back into the living room where Barry was seated on the couch.

"Cisco's coming over with Chinese food," he murmured as she sat herself down next to him. She nodded her head gratefully.

"Anything's better than hospital food," she agreed and he chuckled.

"How are you feeling?" Barry asked softly.

"Tired and still a little bit out of it," she frowned and he eased her down to where she was laying across his lap.

"The doctor said that was normal," he replied and she nodded her head.

"I know," she said with a shrug, feeling her eyelids grow heavy.

"Go to sleep, sweetheart," Barry murmured, "I'll wake you up when Cisco gets here."

She sighed contentedly and closed her eyes. It wasn't long before she was asleep.

She felt a gentle nudge bring her back into consciousness and opened her eyes sleepily.

"Hmm?" Caitlin blinked as she looked around.

"Cisco's here with the food," Barry whispered and she looked up at Cisco, who was sitting in her chair across from her couch.

"Hi, Cisco," she said softly and sat up.

"You scared the hell out of me, Cait," Cisco muttered and she felt her heart clench painfully.

'I'm sorry," she murmured. Cisco stared at her for a moment before rushing to her and engulfing her in a hug.

"Don't _ever_ do anything that stupid again," he demanded and she nodded her head as she hugged him back tightly.

"I won't, I'm sorry," she replied and he let her go.

"I brought your favorite," he said and she smelt the orange chicken before she saw it. Smiling hesitantly, she held out a hand for it and he passed her the bag.

After getting situated, the three ate their food in relative silence, each absorbed in their own thoughts, And, for Caitlin, guilt.

When all the food had been eaten, Caitlin leaned back tiredly, still not used to being home from the hospital. Cisco took a look at her and smiled sympathetically.

"I'll leave you to sleep now," he said gently before standing up and kissing her softly on the forehead.

"I mean it Cait, don't ever scare me like that again," he whispered and Caitlin felt tears gather in the corner of her eyes.

After swallowing around the painful lump, she nodded her head.

"I won't," she promised earnestly and he smiled.

"Get some rest," he murmured before taking the trash with him and showing himself out.

Barry scooped her up and carried her to her bedroom.

After placing her gently down and covering her up, he sat down on the edge of her bed and ran his hand through her hair soothingly.

"Go to sleep, sweetheart, you look exhausted," he said softly and she nodded her head.

"Stay with me?" Caitlin whispered, too afraid that he would leave; a stark contrast to how she felt about being babysat in the hospital.

"I'm not going anywhere," Barry confirmed and she closed her eyes, letting the sleep overtake her.

 **Author's note:** Just a short one to highlight the trio's friendship and how scared Cisco was.


	23. Going back

Caitlin woke up feeling slightly less groggy and stared around her room, taking it all in. The fact that she was, in fact, still alive. The fact that Barry had obviously meant it when he said that was staying with her. The fact that he was crashed out on her floor proved that. Smiling slightly, she swung her legs over the side of her bed and eased herself out. Crouching down by her boyfriend, she ran her hand softly through his hair.

"Barry," she called softly and smiled when it looked like he nuzzled into her touch.

"Barry," she said again and he cracked one eye open, looking up at her sleepily.

"Morning," he murmured and she laughed quietly.

"Morning," she replied.

"You do know there's a perfectly comfortable couch that had your name on it right? You could've slept there last night," she said but he shook his head.

"I wanted to be in here with you, in case you woke up sad," he said softly and she felt her heart beat warmly at this man.

"I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't know what I did to deserve you," she murmured and he just flashed her a grin.

"That goes both ways," he said and she smiled. She helped ease him up into a sitting position before he stretched his arms above his head.

"Coffee?" Barry asked after a few moments of silence and she nodded her head.

"We can bring it to the team. Just let me shower really quickly," she said and he left the room to give her some privacy, only pausing to say he'd be out in the living room, waiting for her.

She didn't take as long as she normally would in the shower, not wanting to give him any reason to worry.

After she was dressed for the day, she went out into her living room and spotted Barry ready as well.

"Did you flash home and get ready while I was showering?" Caitlin asked quizzically but he shook his head.

"No, I, uh, may have called Cisco to see if he'd bring me some of my stuff when you were asleep," he said sheepishly and she couldn't help it, she laughed.

"You don't have to be afraid to leave me on my own for a while, you know, I'm not going to do anything," she promised but he shook his head apologetically.

"I'm sorry, but not yet," he whispered and Caitlin dropped it, knowing how sorry he was for not trusting her yet.

"Well, let's go grab enough coffee for everyone and get the day started," she changed the topic and he smiled before interlocking their fingers. They walked out and down to her car.

"Fancy driving or flashing?" Caitlin asked and Barry looked at her amusedly.

"As if you have a choice," he laughed before flashing off. Once they were outside of Jitters, he put her down.

"You're seriously going to burn one of my shirts one of these days," Caitlin grumbled as she straightened out her clothes. Luckily, Barry had flashed them behind the building so no one saw their entrance.

"I think we can just walk to work after we get the coffees," he stated and she rolled her eyes.

"Damn straight we are," she replied, "you're not spilling any hot coffee on me."

He laughed as they made their way in and ordered their coffees to go. Once they had them, they made their way to Star Labs at a leisurely pace, enjoying their time together.

After they got inside the cortex, everyone looked up at their arrival and all their eyes zeroed in on Caitlin. Feeling nervous, she hid behind Barry slightly before Harry broke the silence.

"Good to have you back, Snow," he said softly and she smiled hesitantly at him.

"Thank you," she murmured before they started handing out coffees.

When she reached Joe, he took the cup out of her hands and engulfed her in a hug. She returned his embrace strongly.

"I thought I told you to come talk to me if you felt like you were going to do something stupid again," he chastised and she grinned guiltily.

"Sorry," she murmured and he looked at her for a long moment before nodding his head.

"Don't you dare ever scare my son like that again," he murmured.

"Or me, for that matter," he added on a second thought and she nodded her head.

"I promise," she replied with conviction.

"Good," he said and left it at that.

Everyone else broke off into random groups, wandering aimlessly around as they waited for their first meta human encounter of the day and Caitlin looked at her family.

She smiled warmly as she felt at peace with them. She knew they would always protect each other and look out for each other and she was mad at herself for almost taking that away from her permanently. All over a few stupid words. She looked up and caught Barry smiling at her and returned it. She knew they'd be just fine. They always were.

 **Author's note:** Getting ready to wrap up this story. Thanks for all who have read, reviewed, favorited, and followed. Means a lot. I have other stuff coming up so stay tuned. Couple more chapters, though, so be on the lookout! XOXO


	24. Onward

**Three months later:**

"Iris, I'm sorry," Caitlin began before pausing, trying to find the words she wished to use that would convey how she was feeling.

"I know you were supposed to be his wife, were supposed to get the happily ever after you guys deserved; that didn't happen and for that I am truly sorry," she murmured as she stared at the tombstone. Barry squeezed her fingers gently and she continued.

"But I also wanted to say thank you," she added in a stronger voice.

"Thank you for teaching me that heroes don't have to wear hoods or capes; that they can be the average person just fighting for the greater good. People like you," she finished quietly and looked at Barry with a soft smile.

He placed his lips against her forehead briefly before turning back to the grave.

"I miss you every day, Iris," he whispered and Caitlin felt her heart break for him.

"But I'm happy, and I think that's ultimately what you wanted for me," he continued, gifting Caitlin with a small smile, which she mirrored.

"I know it's been a long time since I've come and visited you, something that shouldn't have happened but I promise to be better about. We're coming once a week from now on to pay our respects to you together," Barry said softly and it was Caitlin's turn to squeeze his fingers in encouragement. He looked at her for a moment before wrapping his arm around her shoulders and hers' his waist.

"Love you, Iris," he murmured.

"Miss you every day," Caitlin added softly. She kissed her fingers and laid them against the grave as Barry leaned down and placed their flowers they brought against the concrete. Sighing, he stood back up and kissed the side of her head.

"Let's go, Caitlin," he murmured and she nodded her head.

"Let's go home, Barry," she added and that's exactly where the pair headed to. No flashing them there, no use of powers to get them there any faster; just a simple walk, allowing the two to enjoy their time together at a leisurely pace. Caitlin knew they still had a lot to overcome together, a lot of barriers to push passed, but she knew they would do it together, like they always had. She wouldn't change anything that had happened over the course of the past year, not when it meant she got to be in this moment with Barry. Smiling contentedly, she nuzzled into him as they made their way onward.

 **Finished**

 **Author's note:** Thank you so much for all of those who followed this story. I absolutely loved writing it. If you're looking for other things to read, I have oneshots going and I accept prompts in the comments. I'm going to be working on my sequel for "The Art of Falling in Love" soon, so be on the lookout for that. Thanks guys, truly. XOXO


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